Carlos.

I hate you..
I finally fucking hate you.

Do you want to know why?

Because you took my heart and you broke it. You made me bleed in so many different forms. I trusted you and I loved you and you threw it all away in an instant and broke me more than anyone ever has.

I still miss you.. I still remember you. I still want you.

I look for people who remind me of you. I want you back.. I want to be able to breathe again... to fucking feel again. But you took it all away.

When I finally get a chance to have someone good... who’s pure and wants me... I can’t let him have me because letting someone else into a heart that you destroyed is pure suicide. How can I feel again? How do I love again? You broke everything about me and now I am numb. I’m numb because of you.

You are off living it up with the love of YOUR life and you have no worries and you are happy and excited and joyful... you are in love and you know that she won’t leave you. You know that all is well in your heart.

I hate you for that. I will always hate you for that. 

I just want to know. Anonymously.. do you ever get over that one who broke your heart? The thing is.. I know you do. I know I will. With enough time, you eventually forget the quirks, right?
      This isn’t my first love.. so I should know. So when does life become normal again? When do you forget the things that made your heart race? When do you stop missing the person you thought you were destined for??

  Eventually??

The thing with eventually is ..it’s not now. It’s not a year or five years... it’s whenever your heart and your brain stop finding these little things in everyday life that make you remember them. When the song you made love to eventually becomes a song from the past. When you stop remembering the way his lips looked that moment he was going to kiss you, just right before he went in for the thrill.. like the rising of a roller coaster and then the fall. It’s the car he used to drive.. the way you look into every damn window to make sure it’s not him, but oh how you wish it could just be him. How you see people walking around that look just like him, your heart starts to beat so loud and your whole world just freezes around you. Your heart beat goes into overdrive until you realize how crazy you are for actually thinking is was him. How crazy it is that from the day my heart was broken.. I have been non stop trying like hell to forget him. Erase that first kiss and travel back in time to where I was just a girl, not in love. Just a girl who didn’t feel these things. A girl who was used to the way life was and all of its given hand me downs. I never deserved to love like that.. I stepped in someone else’s timeline and broke destiny. I stole a destiny that was never mine to take. Now I am paying for it by the flashbacks of his hands touching my face and the way he looked at me. The raw feeling of the way I felt. I can’t get past it.. I am only tortured by it. I am stuck in my life.. just going through the motions. Getting kicked and trampled by these feelings that I have to hide. So when does it stop? When do I officially begin to breathe again? When does my heart stop hurting? Because it’s already been two years, and I can’t get over him. I know I don’t deserve that kind of relationship... but it would be nice to stop hurting this much. To just go ONE day without thinking about him. That would be nice. That would help. You just can’t help who you fall in love with......

I remember this one image in my head. I was sitting on his bed in nothing but a Jersey. His favorite jersey... my long blonde hair gleamed down my back as I laid on my side waiting for him to come into the room. I maybe wasn’t thinking a whole lot, just glancing around his room.

He walked into the room a moment later and just stared at me. I moved my focus onto his and smiled embarrassed by his look. I finally asked him what he was smiling about... and he said

“You are so beautiful Amanda” ...

At that moment... I actually felt beautiful. I felt wonderful. Light and full of happiness. It was so great to feel so happy. After going through such a hard compressing situation... I felt like I was floating in a dream. So of course when it ended... it was absolutely heartbreaking for me.
I have moved past that.. I finally have come to realize that he wasn’t right for me. He was actually all wrong for me. Maybe that was God telling me that... maybe God has something better in store.. but as I drifted back to the father of my children... I don’t know if that’s true.

I don’t feel beautiful anymore... I feel hurt almost constantly. I feel like a burden, like I’m never enough. Like everything I do is wrong. We constantly fight and argue. I can never be enough. I know it’s wrong... it’s all so wrong. Though God has me stuck in this situation...

Maybe if I pray for it... maybe he will help? That thought just came to me... so maybe he’s trying to talk to me... maybe you are listening to me God? And your right... help me pray. Help me take time to pray... I need out of this situation Lord. I need things to get better.. for me and for my kids. Please help me find a good living situation, where I am happy. Guide me into a good support system. People who can help me... help me in this situation. Please Lord, you know the desires of my heart. Guide me to them so I can be happy. Amen. 

Here we are again.

You come out fighting in a battle that isn’t even against you.

Your harsh words and criticism is your biggest weapon. You think it’s just words but my heart tells me otherwise. You say the words that cut the deepest and act like you did no such crime. You make me regret everything. You make me want to run and race against time.

I left you before and I could do it again... your hurt is so great and I never can win. Why is it always a battle to see who can cut the deepest? Why do you complain about it all? You tell me I’m nothing and that I always fall. I can never get back up without help and you’re always the one, yelling so loud in front of our daughter and our son. How can I protect my investments, how do I make this right? Why is it always a war, why do we always have to fight?

It’s always me who tries to wash away the blood, fixing my wounds with bandages and I’m sorrys.
Trying to fix the life we have created. Why should anything change? I couldn’t do it anyways.
I can’t breathe when you are like this.. and you act like it never even happened. Why am I always to blame? Why do you hate me so much? Why do you constantly give me shame?

Is it too late to start over? Where do I go from here? You aren’t willing to fix your words because you feel like you shouldn’t have too. You’re so tired of seeing me cry, I hide it in shame now. You are so perfect but you throw that away with the choice of a word, I wish we could be better, but I don’t know how.

You break me heart but you don’t really care, is this love? Or is it comfort? Is it security? Is it forever or should we cut it short? I can’t even talk to you without you rolling tour eyes, calling me weak and bad with goodbyes. Do I leave or should I stay?

Lord I need you.

When my heart is overwhelmed, lead me to the rock that is higher than I.

Well Lord, my heart is overwhelmed.
It is barely beating... but it is only beating for you.
You are my eternity, you are my soul.
I can’t live in this being all alone.
I feel like a wave is crashing over me and I can’t breathe.
I can only make mistakes... I can only sin.
I am a horrible person... I can’t do anything right. Every decision sinks me deeper into despair.
I need you.
I need you but I don’t feel you anywhere. I go through the motions of everyday but i feel nothing.
I pray but my words disappear into thin air. I Sing to bring myself closer to you.
God I need your healing. I need you to have mercy on me. I need you to fix me. It’s like I only fall back into the hole with every try I take. Every path is obstructed. There is no light in my tunnel. I’m running out of air, and my soul feels the weight of suffocation.
I need you God.
Show yourself to me. Prove to me that you are here.
Show me your love.
I am an undeserving sinner, but YOU died for me.
You said seek and you will find me.
I am begging you to show me your peace and your light.
Destroy my uncertainty and replace it with faith.
You made me for a reason...
you made me....
Lord I need you. 

The war is starting and I'm hardly prepared, fatal shots hit me and I'm so fucking scared. Harsh words are thrown like knives and I'm your target. I'm bleeding out but you don't stop it. Your fluttery moves and your jagged lies cut the deepest, your blame is your biggest defense. I breathe in your betrayal and drag myself to a safe place, but my hope is shattered, there is no saving grace. So I pray empty words to Jesus, hoping but having lost faith, where is my savior, I need him in this place.
You find me bruised and beaten, wipe off the blood stains, and act like you created no such sin. You lace me up with beautiful kisses and I'm sorries ...wiping away the burdens and the doubts. I forgive you and smile as if it never happened, maybe it won't, maybe our family will be whole.
I don't know when the next blow will happen, i gather up my ammo and store it inside, prepping my heart for the longest ride. Though you never start the story at the beginning, I am always lost and you are always winning.
My heart is broken beyond all doubt, my soul is lost and may never come out. Happiness is just a cruel intention, there is no longevity..its sitting in detention. When you feel so free yet your still shackled in chains, you look around to find your only in range, this place will not change, and your only to blame. There's no hope when its always the same..

Lost.

I know that no-one cares to hear this..and the more I want to tell everyone in my life to fuck off, the more I realize that that's probably not a good idea...so I guess here I am.
It does help I guess, because the hurt I feel the most comes from the ones I love the most. My mom and my brothers, my dad and my fiance. And my soul is screaming to leave them all behind and hop on the next flight out of this miserable life.
And I would...believe me.

But...and there is ALWAYS a but.

My kids.

Today is a day where I feel like they would be better off without me. I can't talk to anyone about this. Not a soul understands me. I try to talk to God...because he is the only one who truly knows...though I can only hang my head in sadness because I don't deserve his mercy.
I mean really really don't deserve it.

I have broken all ten commandments... I have slept with a married man, aborted a baby... I am a murderer and a cheater. I lie and steal from the weak. I can't trust myself..and I wouldn't want anyone to come in trying to be a hero.
I am a lost cause...  someone who should have been abducted as a child and tortured or been diagnosed wordiness fatal disease before anyone ever had the chance of coming into contact. I am a disgusting person. Quite frankly ... the worst part is...you wouldn't even know it if you saw me. I look like a young mom who is trying her best. A hard worker or someone who is a quite pretty little thing just making her way through.
I guess my kids are saving me right now.... it's not something I'm proud of. I should be the strong one for them...I should fight and be brave. I should have learned by now that hard work is the only way through life's mess. If you trying take the easy way out...you just make the hard road even longer for yourself. .... I'm not even halfway through.
There isn't a light waiting for me at the end of this... and quite frankly I wouldn't want Jesus to waste his time. I love him...because he gave me such beautiful gifts that smile at me everyday... but what good is having something so precious and valuable if you know in your heart you don't deserve it?

I fell in love with a nothing of a man...and broke the heart , trust and loyalty of the father of my children. I still to this day don't get how my heart still feels so broken.

Life just doesn't make sense... I am so lost in a sea of gray. And I'm starting to realize that nobody is even looking for me.....