I know that no-one cares to hear this..and the more I want to tell everyone in my life to fuck off, the more I realize that that's probably not a good idea...so I guess here I am.
It does help I guess, because the hurt I feel the most comes from the ones I love the most. My mom and my brothers, my dad and my fiance. And my soul is screaming to leave them all behind and hop on the next flight out of this miserable life.
And I would...believe me.
But...and there is ALWAYS a but.
My kids.
Today is a day where I feel like they would be better off without me. I can't talk to anyone about this. Not a soul understands me. I try to talk to God...because he is the only one who truly knows...though I can only hang my head in sadness because I don't deserve his mercy.
I mean really really don't deserve it.
I have broken all ten commandments... I have slept with a married man, aborted a baby... I am a murderer and a cheater. I lie and steal from the weak. I can't trust myself..and I wouldn't want anyone to come in trying to be a hero.
I am a lost cause... someone who should have been abducted as a child and tortured or been diagnosed wordiness fatal disease before anyone ever had the chance of coming into contact. I am a disgusting person. Quite frankly ... the worst part is...you wouldn't even know it if you saw me. I look like a young mom who is trying her best. A hard worker or someone who is a quite pretty little thing just making her way through.
I guess my kids are saving me right now.... it's not something I'm proud of. I should be the strong one for them...I should fight and be brave. I should have learned by now that hard work is the only way through life's mess. If you trying take the easy way out...you just make the hard road even longer for yourself. .... I'm not even halfway through.
There isn't a light waiting for me at the end of this... and quite frankly I wouldn't want Jesus to waste his time. I love him...because he gave me such beautiful gifts that smile at me everyday... but what good is having something so precious and valuable if you know in your heart you don't deserve it?
I fell in love with a nothing of a man...and broke the heart , trust and loyalty of the father of my children. I still to this day don't get how my heart still feels so broken.
Life just doesn't make sense... I am so lost in a sea of gray. And I'm starting to realize that nobody is even looking for me.....
It does help I guess, because the hurt I feel the most comes from the ones I love the most. My mom and my brothers, my dad and my fiance. And my soul is screaming to leave them all behind and hop on the next flight out of this miserable life.
And I would...believe me.
But...and there is ALWAYS a but.
My kids.
Today is a day where I feel like they would be better off without me. I can't talk to anyone about this. Not a soul understands me. I try to talk to God...because he is the only one who truly knows...though I can only hang my head in sadness because I don't deserve his mercy.
I mean really really don't deserve it.
I have broken all ten commandments... I have slept with a married man, aborted a baby... I am a murderer and a cheater. I lie and steal from the weak. I can't trust myself..and I wouldn't want anyone to come in trying to be a hero.
I am a lost cause... someone who should have been abducted as a child and tortured or been diagnosed wordiness fatal disease before anyone ever had the chance of coming into contact. I am a disgusting person. Quite frankly ... the worst part is...you wouldn't even know it if you saw me. I look like a young mom who is trying her best. A hard worker or someone who is a quite pretty little thing just making her way through.
I guess my kids are saving me right now.... it's not something I'm proud of. I should be the strong one for them...I should fight and be brave. I should have learned by now that hard work is the only way through life's mess. If you trying take the easy way out...you just make the hard road even longer for yourself. .... I'm not even halfway through.
There isn't a light waiting for me at the end of this... and quite frankly I wouldn't want Jesus to waste his time. I love him...because he gave me such beautiful gifts that smile at me everyday... but what good is having something so precious and valuable if you know in your heart you don't deserve it?
I fell in love with a nothing of a man...and broke the heart , trust and loyalty of the father of my children. I still to this day don't get how my heart still feels so broken.
Life just doesn't make sense... I am so lost in a sea of gray. And I'm starting to realize that nobody is even looking for me.....
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