What’s wrong with me? 

Why am I so depressed? Why do I keep wanting the complete opposite of what God has given me? Why does it hurt to be with him? Why am I dying on the inside, and knowing that he’s not the one for me? He doesn’t treat me the way I want to be treated. He doesn’t make me feel like I’m someone special. Though everytime I get someone who treats me that way... they end up breaking my heart. So what’s wrong with me? Is this just what I deserve? To be with someone just because we have kids together? I’m so tired of feeling this way. The depression of knowing I’m not happy... but everyone around me is. I’d rather they be happy and me be sad... because my family means everything to me. I just don’t know what to do. I feel so lost. Like why is God letting me be in something that literally brings me to my knees? I’m so tired of being so sad that I need to smoke or drink or take pills JUST to feel better. This isn’t life... this is the way it should be. Please God... help me. 

Jesus.

Dear Jesus.

I just want you to know, that I miss you. I miss our connection, and I don’t know how to get it back. All I want is to crawl in your arms and cry. Can you forgive me God? Will you still love me? You’re all I need Lord. I need your love and your mercy. I pray for your forgiveness...
But I can’t live with this broken heart any longer. I pray you fill my heart with your love. You are my God.. my savior Jesus Christ. Please forgive me of my sins. Please heal my broken heart. You say you are close to the broken... are you close to me? Please heal my brokenness and make me whole. Make me anew... and heal the brokenness I feel. I love you, thank you for your mercy. 💛

Mom

How many times have I been hurt by you? Too many times to count.
When I see you, I feel like you’re annoyed by me. By my being, by who I’ve become. Well mom.. I’ve become you. Maybe even worse.. and when you see me.. it hurts too much because you see the person you never wanted to see. I am you.. and you know how most girls strive to be their mom... well I don’t. I don’t strive to be you, because over and over again, you let me down. You gave up and you focused solely on yourself. What does Kris want, what will make Kris happy? You wanna know how I know this is you?? Because it’s sooooo easy for me to want to be that person too. To just give up and rest. To not care if the world around you is failing, but to wallow in your self pity and ignore the people who depend on you the most. You know how I know I’m not you? Because I fight that... every day I fight. Some days I don’t always win.. I get flooded with hurt and stress and I breakdown.. but the difference between you and I, is I never stop fighting for my kids. I may have been called a horrible mother.. but I owned up to that and changed my ways. I became better and I fought those demons away. I show up.. and I care.. and it may not be a lot.. but it’s something I never got from you. You showed up for everyone else besides me. You gave me away and you stopped fighting for me. I was your little girl.. a little girl who needed her mother. But you just assumed I was taken care of and you gave up on me. I see myself so much in Kaylin, and it reminds me of myself. I can’t imagine that you and I were any different. But I would die before I’d ever turn her away. Kaylin may not have everything she wants.. but she has a mom and a dad who cares for her. We care if she eats and what she eats. We care whether or not she bathed or brushes her teeth. We care whether or not she has clean clothes to wear. I talk to her about things, I help her when she has a problem. I show up for her because she needs me. Just as I needed you. 

John.

I don’t know how to start this.

I dream of being with you again.. but when I wake up I realize that I shouldn’t want that. You weren’t good for me. Maybe I wanted you to be..you were. handsome and kind. So willing to take on a huge responsibility left by someone else. You are smart and funny.. your smile is the best part. If I could look at that smile forever, I probably would. You are successful and goal oriented. You are what I strive to be.. and you make me feel like I could be. You gave me hope that I deserved good.. and I have never felt that. From the moment I started school, I knew I was different. Wearing clothes that hadn’t been washed in days, just waiting and anticipating lunch time because I didn’t know if we had food at home for dinner. I remember using my sweatshirt to wipe off dirt I had on my leg, mom never cared if we showered or not. Mom never really cared what we did.. at least that was the way she made me feel. So when I saw your

parents... God I fucking thought that just maybe.. maybe I could deserve this family. Maybe my kids would have a grandma that was awesome and kind and wonderful like I had. I thought about having your babies, and wearing your ring that you picked out just for me, on my left hand. I imagined all of that in the course of 30 minutes. I felt like this could happen.. I can be a good person. I can have a good life with you.
     I have settled for most of my life, because I didn’t know any better. I thought a man who wanted to fuck you was just as good as any other. So yea.. I use sex to know that things are ok.. but it’s only what I’m used too. It’s everything I know. I fought so hard to keep you.. like you were something wonderful I had in my back pocket. Like a lottery ticket you had to keep checking was still in your grasp..but after I went home.. it was like fighting for my life. Breaking a mans heart over and over again.. and yea... maybe you believe he deserved it. You didn’t know this man like I do.. see he grew up like me. He fought and he learned from what he saw. He was broken over and over again by countless women who hurt him.. and he finally believed that’s what he deserved. It’s all he knows. His anger is nothing but pain and agony.. he doesn’t know how to handle all of the emotions so they come out in threats and demeaning words. Is it any excuse...? No.. it isn’t.. and maybe those people believe they can change, but I don’t believe they really know how. He was my friend through heartbreak and misery, and a huge part of my young adult life. I had to let him go, but there you were. My amazing little ticket, the decision I made that I finally didn’t regret.. and you wavered in the wind.. you held on by a thread and I knew any moment you would just blow away. You wanted to be strong... but I don’t think you wanted it that badly. Unfortunately I did.. I did want you. I would have done anything to keep you next to me.. but you had other plans. So when push came to shove.. you closed the door and left me in the dark. You broke me into a million tiny little pieces. The thing I wanted.. that I fought so hard for... just walked away like it meant nothing. Like all that fight was pointless..
I didn’t eat for 4 days.. my heart cried out for you like a breath of fresh air.. That I couldn’t get. . I couldn’t breathe anymore.. you were gone.. and the worst part was... I don’t think you ever planned to stay. The idea of me looked better than what I actually was to you. Though if you only held tight for me. If you only held on to me like you used to do at night... you could see how I might grow. How I might become beautiful again... you just gave up.. when I know I would have been everything you ever wanted with time.

So now.. two months have passed... and I think about you at least every day. The songs that play, your car haunts me and I can’t even do my job in the ER without having a massive panic attack that I’m going to run into you. I prayed so hard for you John.. I prayed you’d come back when the time was right. Like if I can make my life right.. maybe you’ll come back.

Though now... things are different. I don’t want you to come back. I don’t want to talk about why you walked away from me, because i realized that YOU made that mistake. I look at myself and I see how strong I am. How much I’ve overcome.. an abusive dad, an uncaring mom.. having to grow up at 5 years old watching my younger brothers and sisters. I’ve fought so hard to make it.. and it’s never been easy, and I’ve never made the right decisions.. but I have the right motivation. I promise you one way or another.. I’m going to become the woman I dream of becoming. She’s in there.. and she’s determined to be something. I am a prize.. I am something great.. and unfortunately you won’t see that until it’s too late. You will be 30... and you’ll be sitting at home.. or in a marriage you hate.. and you’ll finally figure out that you could have had the world in a woman. A woman that loved you deeply for everything you were.. the good and the bad. I believe that’s on you now... and I can’t keep hoping you’ll come back. I can’t keep laying in bed missing your touch, or the way we made love. I can’t.. and I won’t. I have to move on and focus on me and my children. I can’t be broken anymore because my children need their mom. They need me to not be broken.. and to give them the life I wish I had been given. I’m going to do that now..: and I’m going to walk away from that door you closed in my face. I’m gonna let that ticket fly through my fingers.. because loving you is killing me. I need to set myself free again.. and hope to God the next man will see my worth and my beauty and know and believe that he has won. I deserve better... and I’m letting you go now.

Carlos.

I hate you..
I finally fucking hate you.

Do you want to know why?

Because you took my heart and you broke it. You made me bleed in so many different forms. I trusted you and I loved you and you threw it all away in an instant and broke me more than anyone ever has.

I still miss you.. I still remember you. I still want you.

I look for people who remind me of you. I want you back.. I want to be able to breathe again... to fucking feel again. But you took it all away.

When I finally get a chance to have someone good... who’s pure and wants me... I can’t let him have me because letting someone else into a heart that you destroyed is pure suicide. How can I feel again? How do I love again? You broke everything about me and now I am numb. I’m numb because of you.

You are off living it up with the love of YOUR life and you have no worries and you are happy and excited and joyful... you are in love and you know that she won’t leave you. You know that all is well in your heart.

I hate you for that. I will always hate you for that. 

I just want to know. Anonymously.. do you ever get over that one who broke your heart? The thing is.. I know you do. I know I will. With enough time, you eventually forget the quirks, right?
      This isn’t my first love.. so I should know. So when does life become normal again? When do you forget the things that made your heart race? When do you stop missing the person you thought you were destined for??

  Eventually??

The thing with eventually is ..it’s not now. It’s not a year or five years... it’s whenever your heart and your brain stop finding these little things in everyday life that make you remember them. When the song you made love to eventually becomes a song from the past. When you stop remembering the way his lips looked that moment he was going to kiss you, just right before he went in for the thrill.. like the rising of a roller coaster and then the fall. It’s the car he used to drive.. the way you look into every damn window to make sure it’s not him, but oh how you wish it could just be him. How you see people walking around that look just like him, your heart starts to beat so loud and your whole world just freezes around you. Your heart beat goes into overdrive until you realize how crazy you are for actually thinking is was him. How crazy it is that from the day my heart was broken.. I have been non stop trying like hell to forget him. Erase that first kiss and travel back in time to where I was just a girl, not in love. Just a girl who didn’t feel these things. A girl who was used to the way life was and all of its given hand me downs. I never deserved to love like that.. I stepped in someone else’s timeline and broke destiny. I stole a destiny that was never mine to take. Now I am paying for it by the flashbacks of his hands touching my face and the way he looked at me. The raw feeling of the way I felt. I can’t get past it.. I am only tortured by it. I am stuck in my life.. just going through the motions. Getting kicked and trampled by these feelings that I have to hide. So when does it stop? When do I officially begin to breathe again? When does my heart stop hurting? Because it’s already been two years, and I can’t get over him. I know I don’t deserve that kind of relationship... but it would be nice to stop hurting this much. To just go ONE day without thinking about him. That would be nice. That would help. You just can’t help who you fall in love with......

I remember this one image in my head. I was sitting on his bed in nothing but a Jersey. His favorite jersey... my long blonde hair gleamed down my back as I laid on my side waiting for him to come into the room. I maybe wasn’t thinking a whole lot, just glancing around his room.

He walked into the room a moment later and just stared at me. I moved my focus onto his and smiled embarrassed by his look. I finally asked him what he was smiling about... and he said

“You are so beautiful Amanda” ...

At that moment... I actually felt beautiful. I felt wonderful. Light and full of happiness. It was so great to feel so happy. After going through such a hard compressing situation... I felt like I was floating in a dream. So of course when it ended... it was absolutely heartbreaking for me.
I have moved past that.. I finally have come to realize that he wasn’t right for me. He was actually all wrong for me. Maybe that was God telling me that... maybe God has something better in store.. but as I drifted back to the father of my children... I don’t know if that’s true.

I don’t feel beautiful anymore... I feel hurt almost constantly. I feel like a burden, like I’m never enough. Like everything I do is wrong. We constantly fight and argue. I can never be enough. I know it’s wrong... it’s all so wrong. Though God has me stuck in this situation...

Maybe if I pray for it... maybe he will help? That thought just came to me... so maybe he’s trying to talk to me... maybe you are listening to me God? And your right... help me pray. Help me take time to pray... I need out of this situation Lord. I need things to get better.. for me and for my kids. Please help me find a good living situation, where I am happy. Guide me into a good support system. People who can help me... help me in this situation. Please Lord, you know the desires of my heart. Guide me to them so I can be happy. Amen.