I don’t know how to start this.
I dream of being with you again.. but when I wake up I realize that I shouldn’t want that. You weren’t good for me. Maybe I wanted you to be..you were. handsome and kind. So willing to take on a huge responsibility left by someone else. You are smart and funny.. your smile is the best part. If I could look at that smile forever, I probably would. You are successful and goal oriented. You are what I strive to be.. and you make me feel like I could be. You gave me hope that I deserved good.. and I have never felt that. From the moment I started school, I knew I was different. Wearing clothes that hadn’t been washed in days, just waiting and anticipating lunch time because I didn’t know if we had food at home for dinner. I remember using my sweatshirt to wipe off dirt I had on my leg, mom never cared if we showered or not. Mom never really cared what we did.. at least that was the way she made me feel. So when I saw your
parents... God I fucking thought that just maybe.. maybe I could deserve this family. Maybe my kids would have a grandma that was awesome and kind and wonderful like I had. I thought about having your babies, and wearing your ring that you picked out just for me, on my left hand. I imagined all of that in the course of 30 minutes. I felt like this could happen.. I can be a good person. I can have a good life with you.
I have settled for most of my life, because I didn’t know any better. I thought a man who wanted to fuck you was just as good as any other. So yea.. I use sex to know that things are ok.. but it’s only what I’m used too. It’s everything I know. I fought so hard to keep you.. like you were something wonderful I had in my back pocket. Like a lottery ticket you had to keep checking was still in your grasp..but after I went home.. it was like fighting for my life. Breaking a mans heart over and over again.. and yea... maybe you believe he deserved it. You didn’t know this man like I do.. see he grew up like me. He fought and he learned from what he saw. He was broken over and over again by countless women who hurt him.. and he finally believed that’s what he deserved. It’s all he knows. His anger is nothing but pain and agony.. he doesn’t know how to handle all of the emotions so they come out in threats and demeaning words. Is it any excuse...? No.. it isn’t.. and maybe those people believe they can change, but I don’t believe they really know how. He was my friend through heartbreak and misery, and a huge part of my young adult life. I had to let him go, but there you were. My amazing little ticket, the decision I made that I finally didn’t regret.. and you wavered in the wind.. you held on by a thread and I knew any moment you would just blow away. You wanted to be strong... but I don’t think you wanted it that badly. Unfortunately I did.. I did want you. I would have done anything to keep you next to me.. but you had other plans. So when push came to shove.. you closed the door and left me in the dark. You broke me into a million tiny little pieces. The thing I wanted.. that I fought so hard for... just walked away like it meant nothing. Like all that fight was pointless..
I didn’t eat for 4 days.. my heart cried out for you like a breath of fresh air.. That I couldn’t get. . I couldn’t breathe anymore.. you were gone.. and the worst part was... I don’t think you ever planned to stay. The idea of me looked better than what I actually was to you. Though if you only held tight for me. If you only held on to me like you used to do at night... you could see how I might grow. How I might become beautiful again... you just gave up.. when I know I would have been everything you ever wanted with time.
So now.. two months have passed... and I think about you at least every day. The songs that play, your car haunts me and I can’t even do my job in the ER without having a massive panic attack that I’m going to run into you. I prayed so hard for you John.. I prayed you’d come back when the time was right. Like if I can make my life right.. maybe you’ll come back.
Though now... things are different. I don’t want you to come back. I don’t want to talk about why you walked away from me, because i realized that YOU made that mistake. I look at myself and I see how strong I am. How much I’ve overcome.. an abusive dad, an uncaring mom.. having to grow up at 5 years old watching my younger brothers and sisters. I’ve fought so hard to make it.. and it’s never been easy, and I’ve never made the right decisions.. but I have the right motivation. I promise you one way or another.. I’m going to become the woman I dream of becoming. She’s in there.. and she’s determined to be something. I am a prize.. I am something great.. and unfortunately you won’t see that until it’s too late. You will be 30... and you’ll be sitting at home.. or in a marriage you hate.. and you’ll finally figure out that you could have had the world in a woman. A woman that loved you deeply for everything you were.. the good and the bad. I believe that’s on you now... and I can’t keep hoping you’ll come back. I can’t keep laying in bed missing your touch, or the way we made love. I can’t.. and I won’t. I have to move on and focus on me and my children. I can’t be broken anymore because my children need their mom. They need me to not be broken.. and to give them the life I wish I had been given. I’m going to do that now..: and I’m going to walk away from that door you closed in my face. I’m gonna let that ticket fly through my fingers.. because loving you is killing me. I need to set myself free again.. and hope to God the next man will see my worth and my beauty and know and believe that he has won. I deserve better... and I’m letting you go now.
