I remember this one image in my head. I was sitting on his bed in nothing but a Jersey. His favorite jersey... my long blonde hair gleamed down my back as I laid on my side waiting for him to come into the room. I maybe wasn’t thinking a whole lot, just glancing around his room.
He walked into the room a moment later and just stared at me. I moved my focus onto his and smiled embarrassed by his look. I finally asked him what he was smiling about... and he said
“You are so beautiful Amanda” ...
At that moment... I actually felt beautiful. I felt wonderful. Light and full of happiness. It was so great to feel so happy. After going through such a hard compressing situation... I felt like I was floating in a dream. So of course when it ended... it was absolutely heartbreaking for me.
I have moved past that.. I finally have come to realize that he wasn’t right for me. He was actually all wrong for me. Maybe that was God telling me that... maybe God has something better in store.. but as I drifted back to the father of my children... I don’t know if that’s true.
I don’t feel beautiful anymore... I feel hurt almost constantly. I feel like a burden, like I’m never enough. Like everything I do is wrong. We constantly fight and argue. I can never be enough. I know it’s wrong... it’s all so wrong. Though God has me stuck in this situation...
Maybe if I pray for it... maybe he will help? That thought just came to me... so maybe he’s trying to talk to me... maybe you are listening to me God? And your right... help me pray. Help me take time to pray... I need out of this situation Lord. I need things to get better.. for me and for my kids. Please help me find a good living situation, where I am happy. Guide me into a good support system. People who can help me... help me in this situation. Please Lord, you know the desires of my heart. Guide me to them so I can be happy. Amen.
He walked into the room a moment later and just stared at me. I moved my focus onto his and smiled embarrassed by his look. I finally asked him what he was smiling about... and he said
“You are so beautiful Amanda” ...
At that moment... I actually felt beautiful. I felt wonderful. Light and full of happiness. It was so great to feel so happy. After going through such a hard compressing situation... I felt like I was floating in a dream. So of course when it ended... it was absolutely heartbreaking for me.
I have moved past that.. I finally have come to realize that he wasn’t right for me. He was actually all wrong for me. Maybe that was God telling me that... maybe God has something better in store.. but as I drifted back to the father of my children... I don’t know if that’s true.
I don’t feel beautiful anymore... I feel hurt almost constantly. I feel like a burden, like I’m never enough. Like everything I do is wrong. We constantly fight and argue. I can never be enough. I know it’s wrong... it’s all so wrong. Though God has me stuck in this situation...
Maybe if I pray for it... maybe he will help? That thought just came to me... so maybe he’s trying to talk to me... maybe you are listening to me God? And your right... help me pray. Help me take time to pray... I need out of this situation Lord. I need things to get better.. for me and for my kids. Please help me find a good living situation, where I am happy. Guide me into a good support system. People who can help me... help me in this situation. Please Lord, you know the desires of my heart. Guide me to them so I can be happy. Amen.
