Thursday, 8 November 2018

I don't really want to write out my feelings,  but maybe it's good if I do?
I had a dream last night ,
My brother took me to his church after I told him a fellow guy who went to his church was pretty good looking.  Granted,  I know I am engaged with two kids,  but out of random curiosity.. I asked what his name was.  The next hour or so?  ...my brothers wife came and got me right as I got out of the shower,  she told me there wasn't time to get dressed,  and to just come with her.  Through some fogginess.... We entered their church and everyone was watching me. Some smiling .. Some just hanging around watching the girl in the towel run hand in hand through the halls.. Wondering aimlessly. We entered in a room where she turned and told me that the guy I asked about had been watching me for some time,  and wanted to marry me.  He was everything I wanted as he walked across this stage like thing,  through a crowd if people.  His smile and presence beamed at me like the most wonderful thing I had ever seen.  He came up to me and said,  Amanda...  It is true... I need you to marry me.  .(..or something along those lines... I dont exactly remember) .. I immediately thought of Andrew and the ring I already had on my finger.  We of course aren't married yet.. .But I felt sad for him.  I wanted this other man so much because I felt like this was the man,  God had wanted for me.  Though breaking Andrews heart wasn't something I could do . I was torn .. And I thought of my kids ... But I looked at this man,  and automatically said " of course I will marry you" his smile lit up the room. ..And I went deep into thought of how I'd ever explain it to our daughter or her daddy that I've dated for 10 years. 
I felt like my happiness was so present ...That I just had to marry this other man.  He had good parents that had brought him up as a good Christian man.  Though my thoughts were only of how undeserving I was to have him.  How could someone as beautiful as him.. .Ever want a used woman like me?  I was unworthy... I felt like a dirty rag. . And he was a clean white cloth... he deserved someone better.  Someone who wasn't so sinful.  My sister in law noticed my hesitation and took me into another room... Where there was an older man in a suit . He didn't say it,  but for some reason I felt like this was where I was to confess all of my sins.  I thought about all the bad I had done ..And I couldn't talk.  He stared at me and I told him I was already engaged to another man.  He seemed to understand as he wrote some things down in a book.. . I was then escorted to a bunch of women who prepared me for a proposal. 

I could go on... But the whole point of this dream.. Is that when I woke up,  I wanted to go right back to sleep.  I wanted to dream of this man. . This wonderful Christian handsome man.. .Who actually wanted me.  Wanted to cherish and love and protect me.  I felt so broken as I woke up . .And it has lasted all day.  I feel like I was just broken up with . All Andrew and I have done all day is fight and argue. ..And that makes me miss my dream that much more.  My point in all of this. .. Is what was God trying to tell me?  Does he want me to leave Andrew?  I don't know what to do.  I feel so sad and lost...  It's hard to live and be present in today.  Especially when my kids need me.  Even if this was true. . Who would want a woman who is no longer pure.. Who has two kids and a history of sin.  I don't feel like I am good enough....and I don't know if Andrew is the right man for me.