Miles from home.

Another year has come, and your still not here.

I blink, and it's Christmas again. The time you loved the most, I now fear the most.
It brings back so many memories. Good memories, so I guess that's a good thing. Though I'm not sure, because it just makes me miss you so much more.

The hardest part for me, was the very fact that I was too young to fully understand how dear your silly little traditions would be so very dear to me. I wish I would have watched you more carefully... learned all of your secrets and cool tricks. You were so smart, why didn't I ask you more? Why didn't I record your voice, it's the very thing I would give anything to hear about now.

The worst part of me missing you, was how much I took you for granted. How many times could I have been there and visited you? Why didn't I listen to your advice more, or hug you just a little bit longer?

I choose myself over you so many times, and I guess that's why I cry so much. The worst part about that is I still do. Think about myself I mean...

Because you're up in heaven living just the way you intended..and all I can think about is how much pain I'm in, not having you here.

Things never get better though. I don't see you in a butterfly, or feel you in the wind like others say they do. I just have memories. All of these memories that flood through my mind daily...

I see other men that look like you, or smile like you. Once or twice ive even talked with a man who had your clever wit, and your smile.

Though your eyes spoke volumes to me. The ice blue eyes that's crinkled at the sides. You always smiled with your eyes grandpa, even when you were trying to be serious. You had the serious twinkle that all those story books talk about.

I look for you like your going to appear again to me... I always am waiting for you. I'm waiting for the man I respected as a grandpa but loved as a dad. You helped me through life the best you could even if all I did was stumble through.

I look at my daughter and just thank God that he let you see her at her birth. You looked at her like she was the most precious thing your eyes have ever seen.

And I'll never forget that.

I'll never forget you. 

Lost in the sea.

Another one bites the dust.

That's all I think of when I see another lost soul succumbing to the depths of depression. I take a step back, and hope that someone...


anyone else can help them...



because I know I can't.



I cant even help myself.



But I hope for them. I hope that they dont give up. That they still wake up every day and still fight through it. Struggle to wake up, stuggle to eat or to stop eating. Struggle to get dressed or even put your hair up. Struggle to get your kids on the bus, pay the bills, go to work and work for 15 hours straight. Struggle to make dinner and struggle to make your partner happy. Struggle to find the motivation in just being a parent...looking into your child's eyes to remind yourself who your truly fighting for.


Struggle to find joy in anything.



Bed is the only place you want to be.

Where you cant let anyone down or have anyone let you down.

Where your eyes can rest and your soul can cry.

Where you dont have to fight so hard for something you dont want.

Where debt cant find you and problems only linger.


Depression is like knowing all the test answers but unable to pick up the pencil.

You let down the ones you love the most because it's just not the right time.

But it's never the right time....

Because you may have a day or two to remember why life is great, but that depression comes right on back and punches you in your crazy grin.

You can't catch your breath.

You see yourself succumb to the very someone you told yourself you'd never be again.

The holidays come and you sink lower. You fill yourself with anything that makes you feel good, but all it does is numb the pain for a moment.

On a good day you look back through those days you missed. The smiles that you didn't get to see from your little girl.

The humor you didn't share with your husband.

The crafts you didn't make, the cookies you didn't bake.

Depression steals the life right out from under you.

Everyday you have to take a deep breath and push through all the hatred your mind feeds you.
And if you try...


I mean really really push yourself through it...

You can learn to swim to salvation. Free yourself from depression. Don't let it take your life, your families life, or the life you have planned for yourself.


We are all stronger than we think.

#Depressionsurvivor.