Why am I crying?

Standing in the middle of a field, letting the wind sway my soul. My heart beating to the sound of the wind. Every breath in is a painful reminder of all that I lack. All the things I'm not. All the people that don't want me back. My heart longs for happiness and warmth, but I only fall for the things that don't last.
I watch the trees sway, my heart beat picking up speed. The faint whistling through the tall brown grass. My soul very much entertwined in the weeds. Some parts destroyed, and yet some parts blossoming.
I take a moment to wonder if I am growing or if I am stagnant. Am I learning through this pain or am I letting the pain overtake my being? Am I really letting the weeds over take the very center of my being?
Why can't I break free from the pain of the thorns crashing through my life, the very things I once held dear is torn apart and astray.

I wish for more sunlight, for more wind to break through my petals. I wish for happiness...to let go of the misery and once blossom again. When will I ever grow and learn? When will I ever feel the sun again?

Pain so deep that I can hardly move.

I often wonder why we feel so much hurt. Why do we suffer so much and receive so little. The joy in the world comes in forms of jobs and money and homes and all things that really aren't a big deal.

Of course you have marriage, and holidays and engagements and pregnancies to help fill in the gap...but what all ends up happening as you grow, is you feel less and less like a human...and more like a video camera. Watching things as they take place, counting smiles and laughs and breath taking moments. You putty on through until the next thing. Your monogamous life goes by, and you feel less like you. You start to do things differently because your tired of everything being the same. You feel tired and groggy. All the coffee in the world couldn't push past the clouds. You use alcohol as a bandage to make your heart feel less and less...drugs and money cover up what's left. You settle for men who don't really love you, because you don't even know who you are. You struggle with marrige and money, the things that made you happiest become less and less fulfillment in your life. Through all this.. You breathe and breathe, telling yourself that things will get better. Life will get better and you'll be able to sort it out. You have more alcohol, you'll have more pills and more weed. You can continue to numb yourself...and that makes you feel better...but for how long?

Those things may bandage what's broken...but they will never fix you. They will never make you feel better about yourself. Even if you go along with it, because its all that you've ever known...your still lost and hurt and confused because you don't believe in the only thing that's still believing in you.

Jesus has a voice, and its a faint knock on the doors of your heart. You just have to let him in. 

I hate you...

I hate you so much.

For the lost dreams and promises you made.
For the cruel words and hurtful judgments.

For all the things you couldn't do for me.

I hate you for loving me and breaking my heart.

For not being the man you should have been.

I hate you for making me regret our life together.

Making me hurt every day and every night.

I hate you for your kind days and your witty phrases.

Because you cover them up after every sunny day.

I hate you for not choosing God over your life.

I hate you for not holding my hand through every bit of torture we've endured...but instead you cowered like a little boy.

My heart is racing and now I feel nothing when I look at you.

My heart has broken so many times, only time will heal it.

I hate you for that.

Now I don't know what to do. How to take a broken life and make it new again? How do I live on without you?

You were my world....and I was told it would all be okay. Though now you can't even look me in the eyes.

You should have been strong.

You should have thought about your words and your harsh remarks because they flitter inside my mind everyday.

Torchering me.

Robbing me of who I am.

I hate you for letting me choose you.



You weren't ready for my soul.

Her white lace dress was smudged with dirt and ash from the cold cement floor, but she didn't care. He couldn't find her and even if she had to hold her breath to keep him away, she would do what she could to save her life. Her knees hurt from bending down for so long, it seemed as though hours had passed even if it had only been five minutes.  She swiped her bangs behind her ears and listened. Soon enough she heard the sound she was worried about the most. The sound of his boots hit the cold hard cement as if they were thundercracks in a meadow. She held her breath and prayed in her head. When she closed her eyes, his face clouded every part of her mind. His laugh was the most wonderful thing about him. He had a smile that shown so bright, especially when she did something silly. She loved watching the way his eyes humorously watched her every move. Like she was the most fragile thing in his world. Her heart flipped a million different ways when he'd asked her to dance that night. His tan skin to her white, holding her hand so tight, he would never let go.

"I know your fucking in here you dirty cunt!"

Her eyes flew open and she gasped. As soon as she realized her mistake she held her breath some more.

" You think I don't know your in here Elle!? After 10 years of fucking, and being there for your cheatin ass, you think youve gotten any fuckin smarter?? Like thinkin you can just walk the fuck away from me after I provided for you and gave you fuckin everything?! Your a selfish bitch just like your whore of a mother!"

Tears cascaded there way down Ella's face, but she held firm and still...she wasn't going to let this monster have the benefit of her broken heart. She had done that way to many times, and each time he broke her down a little more.
    She heard him move a couple of boxes and throw the table she was next to upside down. Moving her knees she inched herself back a little farther beneath the stairs.
She had lost so much weight that fitting into small spaces wasn't as hard as it could have been. She was proud of her slim figure, finally letting go of all the hurt and torture, being with Dominic had put her through.


"Fuck you! I'll fucking find your ass bitch..I swear to God I will! I put my whole life into you, and I swear to fuck I will not let you go! I'll find you bitch..and next time you won't be lucky enough to get away!"

The room got quite as his steps disappeared into another part of the building.
Elle took a much needed breath and moved off her knees. She lay her head back against the wall and sobbed quietly.

His face came back into view. His smile, oh God how she loved his smile. It lit up her heart in so many ways. Just looking at him, she knew in no way did she deserve someone so kind. Though still, he kept on asking her to come with him. Each time letting her feel what normal should feel like.
     He didn't know her though, her past and her mistakes. How she had let someone in that never should have been invited in. How he destroyed the very beauty of who she was.
Her focus rested directly on his hand in hers. How strong they were. He moved his thumb and brought her face up to his.           " Look at me Ella"
She couldn't though...
" Ella... Ella..look at me"

Her best friend Grace looked at her with concern.
" Grace...wh..what...how did you find me?"

"Um...find my cell phone..remember?"
 A slight grin formed on her friends face

"He found me G...he fucking found me!"

Grace grabbed Elle's elbow and pulled her out of the tight spot that she had wedged herself into.

"Dom found you!? What the fuck!?How??"

Elle looked at the floor and tried to steady her quivering emotions.
" I let Jace take me with him outside...I never thought in a million years that he would have found me here! He fucking punched him in the face and knocked him out. I started screaming, so maybe someone would come outside but he pulled out a gun and told me to go down here. Luckily he tripped over my foot and somehow I managed to run in here"

Just speaking of the last 30 minutes made her heart break even more. She had put Jay in danger by just being with him. The very thought of him hurting Jay broke her down and the tears wouldn't stop falling.
Grace went to console her friend, 5 years of friendship and she had never seen her friend look so lost. She wished with every fiber in her being that she could take this pain away. Dominic had controlled Ella for so long, longer than they had even known each other.
The first day Ella brought Dom over, she could sense the power he had over her and she hated it. She hated how every time he was near her, Ella changed into a different person. Someone who walked with a leash tied around her neck, terrified to look the wrong direction. From that day Grace had promised that she would be there for her friend, no matter the circumstance. So when Ella finally got away from Dom with her little girl Emma, she knew it was time to get them to safety.
Grace's family owned a decent sized home just inside the Georgia state line. It was a home peppered with Spanish moss Oak trees and beautiful red buds. A place where she knew Ella could come and feel safe with her child. Grace had already let her parents in on Elle's situation and they knew that whenever the moment came when Elle could get away, they would make her feel welcome in their guesthouse. It was only a matter of time when Ella came to her with mascara lidden cheeks and and told her that he was never going to let her hand Emma.
The next night the plan was set, Ella and Grace packed their bags when Dom went to work and took Emma out of school. They took 95 all through the night and made it to Graces home close to midnight. Elle's anxiety made her paranoid and grief stricken that she had taken Em away from her father, but grace was relieved they they both had gotten away safe. Now she didn't know if Elle would ever be free from Dominic's contiuing presence in their lives.

I am soooo lost.

But maybe in the midst of losing, I'm really finding my direction? I need to move...I need to leave Andrew. I got that down...but am I trying to destroy other people in the process? What have I become to do that to someone? How do I focus when love is the one thing I depend on so much. When will I stop thinking about myself and just focus on my daughter? I need help so badly....I can't believe the person I have become. I bet God is sad to see the person I am today. I bet he's asking me to come back to his side and figure out these things for myself. I need you lord...I need to stop pushing you away. 

Miles from home.

Another year has come, and your still not here.

I blink, and it's Christmas again. The time you loved the most, I now fear the most.
It brings back so many memories. Good memories, so I guess that's a good thing. Though I'm not sure, because it just makes me miss you so much more.

The hardest part for me, was the very fact that I was too young to fully understand how dear your silly little traditions would be so very dear to me. I wish I would have watched you more carefully... learned all of your secrets and cool tricks. You were so smart, why didn't I ask you more? Why didn't I record your voice, it's the very thing I would give anything to hear about now.

The worst part of me missing you, was how much I took you for granted. How many times could I have been there and visited you? Why didn't I listen to your advice more, or hug you just a little bit longer?

I choose myself over you so many times, and I guess that's why I cry so much. The worst part about that is I still do. Think about myself I mean...

Because you're up in heaven living just the way you intended..and all I can think about is how much pain I'm in, not having you here.

Things never get better though. I don't see you in a butterfly, or feel you in the wind like others say they do. I just have memories. All of these memories that flood through my mind daily...

I see other men that look like you, or smile like you. Once or twice ive even talked with a man who had your clever wit, and your smile.

Though your eyes spoke volumes to me. The ice blue eyes that's crinkled at the sides. You always smiled with your eyes grandpa, even when you were trying to be serious. You had the serious twinkle that all those story books talk about.

I look for you like your going to appear again to me... I always am waiting for you. I'm waiting for the man I respected as a grandpa but loved as a dad. You helped me through life the best you could even if all I did was stumble through.

I look at my daughter and just thank God that he let you see her at her birth. You looked at her like she was the most precious thing your eyes have ever seen.

And I'll never forget that.

I'll never forget you. 

Lost in the sea.

Another one bites the dust.

That's all I think of when I see another lost soul succumbing to the depths of depression. I take a step back, and hope that someone...


anyone else can help them...



because I know I can't.



I cant even help myself.



But I hope for them. I hope that they dont give up. That they still wake up every day and still fight through it. Struggle to wake up, stuggle to eat or to stop eating. Struggle to get dressed or even put your hair up. Struggle to get your kids on the bus, pay the bills, go to work and work for 15 hours straight. Struggle to make dinner and struggle to make your partner happy. Struggle to find the motivation in just being a parent...looking into your child's eyes to remind yourself who your truly fighting for.


Struggle to find joy in anything.



Bed is the only place you want to be.

Where you cant let anyone down or have anyone let you down.

Where your eyes can rest and your soul can cry.

Where you dont have to fight so hard for something you dont want.

Where debt cant find you and problems only linger.


Depression is like knowing all the test answers but unable to pick up the pencil.

You let down the ones you love the most because it's just not the right time.

But it's never the right time....

Because you may have a day or two to remember why life is great, but that depression comes right on back and punches you in your crazy grin.

You can't catch your breath.

You see yourself succumb to the very someone you told yourself you'd never be again.

The holidays come and you sink lower. You fill yourself with anything that makes you feel good, but all it does is numb the pain for a moment.

On a good day you look back through those days you missed. The smiles that you didn't get to see from your little girl.

The humor you didn't share with your husband.

The crafts you didn't make, the cookies you didn't bake.

Depression steals the life right out from under you.

Everyday you have to take a deep breath and push through all the hatred your mind feeds you.
And if you try...


I mean really really push yourself through it...

You can learn to swim to salvation. Free yourself from depression. Don't let it take your life, your families life, or the life you have planned for yourself.


We are all stronger than we think.

#Depressionsurvivor.