I remember this one image in my head. I was sitting on his bed in nothing but a Jersey. His favorite jersey... my long blonde hair gleamed down my back as I laid on my side waiting for him to come into the room. I maybe wasn’t thinking a whole lot, just glancing around his room.

He walked into the room a moment later and just stared at me. I moved my focus onto his and smiled embarrassed by his look. I finally asked him what he was smiling about... and he said

“You are so beautiful Amanda” ...

At that moment... I actually felt beautiful. I felt wonderful. Light and full of happiness. It was so great to feel so happy. After going through such a hard compressing situation... I felt like I was floating in a dream. So of course when it ended... it was absolutely heartbreaking for me.
I have moved past that.. I finally have come to realize that he wasn’t right for me. He was actually all wrong for me. Maybe that was God telling me that... maybe God has something better in store.. but as I drifted back to the father of my children... I don’t know if that’s true.

I don’t feel beautiful anymore... I feel hurt almost constantly. I feel like a burden, like I’m never enough. Like everything I do is wrong. We constantly fight and argue. I can never be enough. I know it’s wrong... it’s all so wrong. Though God has me stuck in this situation...

Maybe if I pray for it... maybe he will help? That thought just came to me... so maybe he’s trying to talk to me... maybe you are listening to me God? And your right... help me pray. Help me take time to pray... I need out of this situation Lord. I need things to get better.. for me and for my kids. Please help me find a good living situation, where I am happy. Guide me into a good support system. People who can help me... help me in this situation. Please Lord, you know the desires of my heart. Guide me to them so I can be happy. Amen. 

Here we are again.

You come out fighting in a battle that isn’t even against you.

Your harsh words and criticism is your biggest weapon. You think it’s just words but my heart tells me otherwise. You say the words that cut the deepest and act like you did no such crime. You make me regret everything. You make me want to run and race against time.

I left you before and I could do it again... your hurt is so great and I never can win. Why is it always a battle to see who can cut the deepest? Why do you complain about it all? You tell me I’m nothing and that I always fall. I can never get back up without help and you’re always the one, yelling so loud in front of our daughter and our son. How can I protect my investments, how do I make this right? Why is it always a war, why do we always have to fight?

It’s always me who tries to wash away the blood, fixing my wounds with bandages and I’m sorrys.
Trying to fix the life we have created. Why should anything change? I couldn’t do it anyways.
I can’t breathe when you are like this.. and you act like it never even happened. Why am I always to blame? Why do you hate me so much? Why do you constantly give me shame?

Is it too late to start over? Where do I go from here? You aren’t willing to fix your words because you feel like you shouldn’t have too. You’re so tired of seeing me cry, I hide it in shame now. You are so perfect but you throw that away with the choice of a word, I wish we could be better, but I don’t know how.

You break me heart but you don’t really care, is this love? Or is it comfort? Is it security? Is it forever or should we cut it short? I can’t even talk to you without you rolling tour eyes, calling me weak and bad with goodbyes. Do I leave or should I stay?

Lord I need you.

When my heart is overwhelmed, lead me to the rock that is higher than I.

Well Lord, my heart is overwhelmed.
It is barely beating... but it is only beating for you.
You are my eternity, you are my soul.
I can’t live in this being all alone.
I feel like a wave is crashing over me and I can’t breathe.
I can only make mistakes... I can only sin.
I am a horrible person... I can’t do anything right. Every decision sinks me deeper into despair.
I need you.
I need you but I don’t feel you anywhere. I go through the motions of everyday but i feel nothing.
I pray but my words disappear into thin air. I Sing to bring myself closer to you.
God I need your healing. I need you to have mercy on me. I need you to fix me. It’s like I only fall back into the hole with every try I take. Every path is obstructed. There is no light in my tunnel. I’m running out of air, and my soul feels the weight of suffocation.
I need you God.
Show yourself to me. Prove to me that you are here.
Show me your love.
I am an undeserving sinner, but YOU died for me.
You said seek and you will find me.
I am begging you to show me your peace and your light.
Destroy my uncertainty and replace it with faith.
You made me for a reason...
you made me....
Lord I need you. 

The war is starting and I'm hardly prepared, fatal shots hit me and I'm so fucking scared. Harsh words are thrown like knives and I'm your target. I'm bleeding out but you don't stop it. Your fluttery moves and your jagged lies cut the deepest, your blame is your biggest defense. I breathe in your betrayal and drag myself to a safe place, but my hope is shattered, there is no saving grace. So I pray empty words to Jesus, hoping but having lost faith, where is my savior, I need him in this place.
You find me bruised and beaten, wipe off the blood stains, and act like you created no such sin. You lace me up with beautiful kisses and I'm sorries ...wiping away the burdens and the doubts. I forgive you and smile as if it never happened, maybe it won't, maybe our family will be whole.
I don't know when the next blow will happen, i gather up my ammo and store it inside, prepping my heart for the longest ride. Though you never start the story at the beginning, I am always lost and you are always winning.
My heart is broken beyond all doubt, my soul is lost and may never come out. Happiness is just a cruel intention, there is no longevity..its sitting in detention. When you feel so free yet your still shackled in chains, you look around to find your only in range, this place will not change, and your only to blame. There's no hope when its always the same..

Lost.

I know that no-one cares to hear this..and the more I want to tell everyone in my life to fuck off, the more I realize that that's probably not a good idea...so I guess here I am.
It does help I guess, because the hurt I feel the most comes from the ones I love the most. My mom and my brothers, my dad and my fiance. And my soul is screaming to leave them all behind and hop on the next flight out of this miserable life.
And I would...believe me.

But...and there is ALWAYS a but.

My kids.

Today is a day where I feel like they would be better off without me. I can't talk to anyone about this. Not a soul understands me. I try to talk to God...because he is the only one who truly knows...though I can only hang my head in sadness because I don't deserve his mercy.
I mean really really don't deserve it.

I have broken all ten commandments... I have slept with a married man, aborted a baby... I am a murderer and a cheater. I lie and steal from the weak. I can't trust myself..and I wouldn't want anyone to come in trying to be a hero.
I am a lost cause...  someone who should have been abducted as a child and tortured or been diagnosed wordiness fatal disease before anyone ever had the chance of coming into contact. I am a disgusting person. Quite frankly ... the worst part is...you wouldn't even know it if you saw me. I look like a young mom who is trying her best. A hard worker or someone who is a quite pretty little thing just making her way through.
I guess my kids are saving me right now.... it's not something I'm proud of. I should be the strong one for them...I should fight and be brave. I should have learned by now that hard work is the only way through life's mess. If you trying take the easy way out...you just make the hard road even longer for yourself. .... I'm not even halfway through.
There isn't a light waiting for me at the end of this... and quite frankly I wouldn't want Jesus to waste his time. I love him...because he gave me such beautiful gifts that smile at me everyday... but what good is having something so precious and valuable if you know in your heart you don't deserve it?

I fell in love with a nothing of a man...and broke the heart , trust and loyalty of the father of my children. I still to this day don't get how my heart still feels so broken.

Life just doesn't make sense... I am so lost in a sea of gray. And I'm starting to realize that nobody is even looking for me.....

I don't really want to write out my feelings,  but maybe it's good if I do?
I had a dream last night ,
My brother took me to his church after I told him a fellow guy who went to his church was pretty good looking.  Granted,  I know I am engaged with two kids,  but out of random curiosity.. I asked what his name was.  The next hour or so?  ...my brothers wife came and got me right as I got out of the shower,  she told me there wasn't time to get dressed,  and to just come with her.  Through some fogginess.... We entered their church and everyone was watching me. Some smiling .. Some just hanging around watching the girl in the towel run hand in hand through the halls.. Wondering aimlessly. We entered in a room where she turned and told me that the guy I asked about had been watching me for some time,  and wanted to marry me.  He was everything I wanted as he walked across this stage like thing,  through a crowd if people.  His smile and presence beamed at me like the most wonderful thing I had ever seen.  He came up to me and said,  Amanda...  It is true... I need you to marry me.  .(..or something along those lines... I dont exactly remember) .. I immediately thought of Andrew and the ring I already had on my finger.  We of course aren't married yet.. .But I felt sad for him.  I wanted this other man so much because I felt like this was the man,  God had wanted for me.  Though breaking Andrews heart wasn't something I could do . I was torn .. And I thought of my kids ... But I looked at this man,  and automatically said " of course I will marry you" his smile lit up the room. ..And I went deep into thought of how I'd ever explain it to our daughter or her daddy that I've dated for 10 years. 
I felt like my happiness was so present ...That I just had to marry this other man.  He had good parents that had brought him up as a good Christian man.  Though my thoughts were only of how undeserving I was to have him.  How could someone as beautiful as him.. .Ever want a used woman like me?  I was unworthy... I felt like a dirty rag. . And he was a clean white cloth... he deserved someone better.  Someone who wasn't so sinful.  My sister in law noticed my hesitation and took me into another room... Where there was an older man in a suit . He didn't say it,  but for some reason I felt like this was where I was to confess all of my sins.  I thought about all the bad I had done ..And I couldn't talk.  He stared at me and I told him I was already engaged to another man.  He seemed to understand as he wrote some things down in a book.. . I was then escorted to a bunch of women who prepared me for a proposal. 

I could go on... But the whole point of this dream.. Is that when I woke up,  I wanted to go right back to sleep.  I wanted to dream of this man. . This wonderful Christian handsome man.. .Who actually wanted me.  Wanted to cherish and love and protect me.  I felt so broken as I woke up . .And it has lasted all day.  I feel like I was just broken up with . All Andrew and I have done all day is fight and argue. ..And that makes me miss my dream that much more.  My point in all of this. .. Is what was God trying to tell me?  Does he want me to leave Andrew?  I don't know what to do.  I feel so sad and lost...  It's hard to live and be present in today.  Especially when my kids need me.  Even if this was true. . Who would want a woman who is no longer pure.. Who has two kids and a history of sin.  I don't feel like I am good enough....and I don't know if Andrew is the right man for me. 

I'm fine.

I'm fine until I wake up and life ingulfs me and I realize what my life has become.

No..its not horrible... Im sure people suffer way worse than me. In this moment of clarity, I completely believe that I am 5he absolute only female who just can't seem to grow the eff up and stop crying like a baby.

But every morning..there it is..pain that swarms my every thought. Its like being stuck in a hole..climbing to the top and falling down just when your fingertips grasp the light.
Your surrounded by pain and darkness and anxiety...you don't know when you will ever feel "okay" again.

Okay...I'm stupid, I'm a whore, I'm whatever you want to call me...but through this time...this is what has been bothering me.

I lived in key west. We couldn't afford the house we were renting, and eventually had to figure something else out. So with out being completely homeless, we decided to buy a nice tent and set up shop at a local camp ground. Don't get me wrong... It wasn't the worst thing. We had a ocean view just a block away. There was a pool and spa...a restaurant that was cheap enough. There was a playground and a bar. It didn't suck until month 3-4.. Time was going but our business wasn't getting anywhere. My boyfriend...and my daughters father ...let's just call him "D" for now...was working day and night just to make sure we had food and of course to pay for our spot..which wasn't cheap at 60-80 dollars a night depending on the season. Our daughter went to school and I had a job...so its not like we were there all the time anyway. We had a constant flow if neighbors and it just became the normal. I ended up getting pregnant that January...and I was happy as could be. It was all I wanted. I told everybody and started planning and we had plans to move to Tampa or fort Lauderdale so we could afford a lifestyle more. It was hott and uncomfortable...we had one car that kept breaking down...and only a few people in the area that we could call friends. It was hard to survive...but we kept at it with the hope of getting good money and moving up north. It was the end of January when I started to bleed heavy and went to the hospital just to confirm my worst fears. We weren't having another baby...and what was worse was that I had to miscarry in a campground, with hundreds of people using one shared bathroom. I cried for days...and the heat made it millions times worse. I didn't eat or shower...I laid in bed hoping to just die from all the physical and emotional pain.
I eventually got past that part... But D and i 's relationship suffered immensely. We were constantly fighting... I developed harsh feelings for him. I didn't feel love from him and he wasn't getting it from me. We fought in front of our six year old daughter almost daily.
One day he told me he had a friend coming down to help him with a few bigger jobs he started to get. I was mad that he was having a friend come and see where we lived as well as hearing his father who was out of his mind do to his alcoholism and a few strokes...would be there as well.
The day he came ...and we will just call D's friend as "C" ...I was working. He came buy at 7pm and picked me up in C's car. We drove to our tent site and that was the first time I saw him. He was tall...bronze skin and dark curly hair. Nothing I ever thought I would be attracted too...but he looked at me and just looking into his eyes...I felt an instant connection with him. I quickly looked away so he wouldn't see my pale skin turn a horrible shade of red.
I tried to ignore it...in my defense. I knew that any thoughts towards D's friend were completely inexcusable and I couldn't go there. We all worked so it made things easier...but when we came home after dinner.. I couldn't avoid it. I started doing my hair to perfection...always putting makeup on. I played with the idea of him feeling the same way...so that whenever I looked at him I would just smile and look elsewhere. I of course used my charm and whit to get him to notice my flirtatious attitude. Hiding it from D as best as I could. I did his laundry one day and folded it and D asked me why about a million times..but I could never tell him the real reason. The night before valentines day... D went to take a shower and I came out of the tent after putting down my daughter...I made a lot of noise to see if he would come out of his own tent.. And I eventually heard the sound I'd been longing to hear. He slowly unzipped the zipper and came out to the table to talk to me. He told me how he was in a relationship with a girl he didn't want to be with anymore. They lived together and he couldnt stand her. He said they were gonna break up when he got back home...my insides completely melted. I then told him about my and D's troubles and that I was going to move back home "where C lived" and just be single for awhile. That's basically where it started between us. On valentines day, he let me use his car to drive to work with D's permission...and I couldn't help but to smell the seatbelt over and over because it smelled so much like his cologne. I bought some stuff for D and then bought some cresent pastries for C because he had said how much he liked them. I put hearts all over it and told him I felt bad that his girlfriend couldn't be here for him at this time. That afternoon I finally mustered up the courage to go up to him and ask for his phone number. I played it off like I just wanted it "just in case" and I gave him mine...but we all know where my motivations were ;). That next morning I was on cloud nine driving to work because he had sent me the first text. At work..I pretty much fessed up about how attractive he was to me and that I couldn't help that I felt this way...and he told me he felt exactly the same way. My heart was soaring. I had never been so attracted to someone like him and the fact that the feelings were mutual was just the cherry on the top. He told me that he had sprayed his seatbelt with his cologne on purpose..and the whole time he knew what I was doing because he was flirting too. We talked all day and all night on the phone.. Soon enough we decided to get a Voxer account for our texting so that D wouldn't find out.
The next morning , D left to take our daughter to school and he asked if I would come out so that he could kiss me. I straightened up every ounce of strength I had a went out there to his bright and beautiful smile. He walked up to me and put his hands on my waist, and me his shoulders and I completely melted into his kiss. It was heart racing and probably the best kiss I'd ever had. It felt like days had passed when we finally broke free from each other as I heard D's truck driving back to our site. We quickly dispersed back into our tents..with my hands shaking and my knees feeling weak. His next text said " you have the softest lips ever..I could kiss you forever" each word singing praises into my ears. I was flying and nothing could bring me down...not even D's shitty attitude.
It was such a crazy experience though. I had D...who I'd dated for 9 years... He was my best friend for so long and I know I would always love him as my child's dad...but the more time went on with C, I just couldn't imagine being with D anymore.
We went to the beach one day, where I decided to drink more than I should have and got totally trashed. On the way home I had to stop to throw up and it was the worst most embarrassing thing to happen. I laid my head against the window behind C's seat and he reached back to put his hand on my left leg. His touch meant everything to me especially after what just happened. D also had his hand on my right knee...and having two guys rubbing my leg without even knowing it...trying to sober up was probably the craziest thing I've ever been through.
Things with C got more serious everyday we were together... I secretly always did his laundry. Slipped him notes and dedicated him songs. Him being there made me so happy.
One night we decided we just had to be together. We waited until D fell asleep.. And went into the back of his car. It was so terrifying knowing that D could come out of the tent at any time...but it made our adrenaline rush that much stronger. We kissed and held each other... And finally decided to call it quits and head to bed. The next day at work he told me he loved me. It shocked me in many ways. I knew that I didn't love him like I loved D. That was unconditional... But my feelings for him were electric... I dreamed about walking down the isle to those exact eyes. He told me I was his soul mate and that we would have to elope and run away together.
His last day in the keys was heart breaking... D went to work and C left right before. I thought I would die inside because he left before D without being able to say goodbye to me. After D left I went in the tent and cried all before a got a text. " I'm just down the street..is he gone?" He wasn't leaving yet and I was ecstatic. We kissed so much and I cried to him... I wanted to be his more than words...but he had to leave...and I had to let him go.
We text back and forth nonstop...and hiding it from D was no easy ordeal. He would constantly check my phone because all along I know he felt our connection. There was no denying it. I loved C and I couldn't help it. I didn't do it to hurt D...I just was happy for the first time in so long. Every morning I'd wake up with a good morning beautiful and every day we would video chat and talk. I started walking into work smiling at my phone and it caused some unwanted attention from another guy I worked with. He then started texting me constantly...asking me to hook up with him. MY head started to swoon as I had three guys wanting MY attention. I was flattered...but my heart belonged to C...and there was no denying it.
D and I started to fight nonstop...and I had finally made the decision (with the help of C) to come back home with my daughter. The last day, the guy from work begged me to just hang out with him one time and I decided to live it up and see what could happen. We drove into the mangroves and just had a good time. My heart wasn't in it with him though and I wished him off with a goodbye and packed up the rest of my stuff. I couldn't wait to see C...it had been three months and I could tell you that I was possibly in love with him.
We couldn't let my daughter know so he couldn't pick us up from the airport...but as soon as my plane touched down...all thoughts were on him. My mom drove us to her house and promised to watch my daughter. I put on my nicest outfit and my best perfume. I did my hair and makeup to perfection and as soon as his gf went to sleep, he snuck out of his house and I met him in a parking lot. My legs felt like jello as he got out and hugged me with a big bouquet of flowers. We went to a friend of his house and parked on the side street. We talked about him and his gf breaking up and me and D breaking up..but we really just couldn't keep our hands off each other.
After that...I started going to his house every night...the second night we finally had sex and it was like...purely amazing.
He was the best I'd ever had, but maybe it was because I was just completely attracted to him. The next night we met at Kroger's and holding his hand was like literally the most amazing feeling in the world. I was in love and blind to what was coming next.... Nothing anyone could have told me would have saved me from where I am today...because C had me wrapped around his pretty bronze finger.
I did everything for him... I Brought him food and cigarettes... Gave him back massages every night and sex whenever he wanted. He and i would video message eachother when he was at work and get naked and i would send him pic after pic to get him off. I was his personal sex slave and did whatever he asked me to do. Soon his gf found out about me and moved out...D was still working in key west when he eventually found the secret app and read everything between us. I told him it was over and that I was in love with C. D started to call and message C...and it scared C horribly. He was on edge and it hindered us quite a bit...but I was oblivious to any doubt's C was having because I felt like things between us had just started. His girlfriend finally moved out and I was able to come stay with him every night. I eventually got a new job making good money and a new car. Life was so good...I was going to the gym regularly and losing weight. I wanted to become everything C wanted.....that was until C told me about a job he had done at a woman's house. She was 40 something... With five kids and he told me how he felt so bad for her because she had to do it all alone. It was odd to me to hear this...but I felt like he had a good heart and that was it. Every night was the same....I'd get to his house...go to his room...put on one of his million dolphins jersey with nothing on underneath and he would come and put on our playlist and it would be an amazing night.
One night he told me he wasn't home yet at 10pm because he was babysitting one of that lady's kids. It was her little 2 year old girl he said he was absolutely crazy about. He even video messaged me while he was there and I literally thought nothing of it. Until the next morning he told me he stayed up talking with (let's call her S) until 3 in the morning. He said he looked up to her and thought so much of her...and it was then I felt just a pang of jealousy. At that time...D was calling me everyday just crying and crying...he was heartbroken...but I didn't know what to say. I finally told C about it and he said he was worried about that. That night at C's house...we talked a lot about S. He told me that it wasn't like that because he didn't think she would ever fall for someone like him....but if she did...he would be extremely happy. I was lost...I thought he wanted me...but now he was telling me this? Things werent that bad...I didn't know how he could say this to me. He told me it would never happen though with her and we just continued to fuck and go on with life.
The next week, S wasn't mentioned even once...and I felt like things were getting back on track. C was sick...and I took care of him. Bringing him soup and bread from panera...rubbing his back and servicing him in every way. He finally started to feel better until I found out D was coming down here to see our daughter. I didn't think much of it... The last day I saw C.. I teased him a little so that he would want me after D left...but I didn't give it up. He tried dragging me up the stairs to his room...but I declined.. Hoping he would want me even more later. D finally left the next day...and I was anxious to be with C. I couldn't wait...and he told me to come over that night after work. I got ready and looked my best for him when he tried to Skype me. It took four or five time for him to say it due to our bad connection...but he said that him and S had been talking since that one night he told me about her...and that S wanted him and he wanted her...and that we could just be friends.

I couldn't believe the words he was saying....I was speechless. I cried and begged him to not do this...that things had just started for us and were going to get better...but his mind was made up...and I had to move on. I completely stopped eating and caring about anything. I was the skinniest I'd been since highschool and my heart hurt everyday.
That was June 1st...and it is now August 11th.

C and I have talked only twice and I have made every intention on telling him I am now happy and moved on when it is the complete opposite. I wake up with heartache everyday...I ended up gaining the weight back and stopped going to the gym. D came back for good and started living with my mom and us too. At first I told him I didn't want him...but eventually having him there eased a little of the hurt I was feeling. D felt like it was his fault for what I did because he treated me like shit...but in a way...I don't think that is true.

I hate myself for everything and wish I had never met C. I cry daily and the hurt never goes away. I just found out I am now pregnant with our second child due to a faulty condom..me and D...and I'm not entirely sure how I feel about it. My depression has taken over my whole being and I don't know if I will ever be happy again.

I pray that C will end things with S everyday....but in the end I know that even if he did...I couldn't let him back into my life anyway. I was at my best being with him and now I feel like I'm at my worst.
I just want to feel like how I felt with him...but I just keep varying myself deeper inside this hole. Deeper into my depression.

Only God could save me...if he cared enough to do so.