What’s wrong with me? 

Why am I so depressed? Why do I keep wanting the complete opposite of what God has given me? Why does it hurt to be with him? Why am I dying on the inside, and knowing that he’s not the one for me? He doesn’t treat me the way I want to be treated. He doesn’t make me feel like I’m someone special. Though everytime I get someone who treats me that way... they end up breaking my heart. So what’s wrong with me? Is this just what I deserve? To be with someone just because we have kids together? I’m so tired of feeling this way. The depression of knowing I’m not happy... but everyone around me is. I’d rather they be happy and me be sad... because my family means everything to me. I just don’t know what to do. I feel so lost. Like why is God letting me be in something that literally brings me to my knees? I’m so tired of being so sad that I need to smoke or drink or take pills JUST to feel better. This isn’t life... this is the way it should be. Please God... help me. 

Jesus.

Dear Jesus.

I just want you to know, that I miss you. I miss our connection, and I don’t know how to get it back. All I want is to crawl in your arms and cry. Can you forgive me God? Will you still love me? You’re all I need Lord. I need your love and your mercy. I pray for your forgiveness...
But I can’t live with this broken heart any longer. I pray you fill my heart with your love. You are my God.. my savior Jesus Christ. Please forgive me of my sins. Please heal my broken heart. You say you are close to the broken... are you close to me? Please heal my brokenness and make me whole. Make me anew... and heal the brokenness I feel. I love you, thank you for your mercy. 💛

Mom

How many times have I been hurt by you? Too many times to count.
When I see you, I feel like you’re annoyed by me. By my being, by who I’ve become. Well mom.. I’ve become you. Maybe even worse.. and when you see me.. it hurts too much because you see the person you never wanted to see. I am you.. and you know how most girls strive to be their mom... well I don’t. I don’t strive to be you, because over and over again, you let me down. You gave up and you focused solely on yourself. What does Kris want, what will make Kris happy? You wanna know how I know this is you?? Because it’s sooooo easy for me to want to be that person too. To just give up and rest. To not care if the world around you is failing, but to wallow in your self pity and ignore the people who depend on you the most. You know how I know I’m not you? Because I fight that... every day I fight. Some days I don’t always win.. I get flooded with hurt and stress and I breakdown.. but the difference between you and I, is I never stop fighting for my kids. I may have been called a horrible mother.. but I owned up to that and changed my ways. I became better and I fought those demons away. I show up.. and I care.. and it may not be a lot.. but it’s something I never got from you. You showed up for everyone else besides me. You gave me away and you stopped fighting for me. I was your little girl.. a little girl who needed her mother. But you just assumed I was taken care of and you gave up on me. I see myself so much in Kaylin, and it reminds me of myself. I can’t imagine that you and I were any different. But I would die before I’d ever turn her away. Kaylin may not have everything she wants.. but she has a mom and a dad who cares for her. We care if she eats and what she eats. We care whether or not she bathed or brushes her teeth. We care whether or not she has clean clothes to wear. I talk to her about things, I help her when she has a problem. I show up for her because she needs me. Just as I needed you. 

John.

I don’t know how to start this.

I dream of being with you again.. but when I wake up I realize that I shouldn’t want that. You weren’t good for me. Maybe I wanted you to be..you were. handsome and kind. So willing to take on a huge responsibility left by someone else. You are smart and funny.. your smile is the best part. If I could look at that smile forever, I probably would. You are successful and goal oriented. You are what I strive to be.. and you make me feel like I could be. You gave me hope that I deserved good.. and I have never felt that. From the moment I started school, I knew I was different. Wearing clothes that hadn’t been washed in days, just waiting and anticipating lunch time because I didn’t know if we had food at home for dinner. I remember using my sweatshirt to wipe off dirt I had on my leg, mom never cared if we showered or not. Mom never really cared what we did.. at least that was the way she made me feel. So when I saw your

parents... God I fucking thought that just maybe.. maybe I could deserve this family. Maybe my kids would have a grandma that was awesome and kind and wonderful like I had. I thought about having your babies, and wearing your ring that you picked out just for me, on my left hand. I imagined all of that in the course of 30 minutes. I felt like this could happen.. I can be a good person. I can have a good life with you.
     I have settled for most of my life, because I didn’t know any better. I thought a man who wanted to fuck you was just as good as any other. So yea.. I use sex to know that things are ok.. but it’s only what I’m used too. It’s everything I know. I fought so hard to keep you.. like you were something wonderful I had in my back pocket. Like a lottery ticket you had to keep checking was still in your grasp..but after I went home.. it was like fighting for my life. Breaking a mans heart over and over again.. and yea... maybe you believe he deserved it. You didn’t know this man like I do.. see he grew up like me. He fought and he learned from what he saw. He was broken over and over again by countless women who hurt him.. and he finally believed that’s what he deserved. It’s all he knows. His anger is nothing but pain and agony.. he doesn’t know how to handle all of the emotions so they come out in threats and demeaning words. Is it any excuse...? No.. it isn’t.. and maybe those people believe they can change, but I don’t believe they really know how. He was my friend through heartbreak and misery, and a huge part of my young adult life. I had to let him go, but there you were. My amazing little ticket, the decision I made that I finally didn’t regret.. and you wavered in the wind.. you held on by a thread and I knew any moment you would just blow away. You wanted to be strong... but I don’t think you wanted it that badly. Unfortunately I did.. I did want you. I would have done anything to keep you next to me.. but you had other plans. So when push came to shove.. you closed the door and left me in the dark. You broke me into a million tiny little pieces. The thing I wanted.. that I fought so hard for... just walked away like it meant nothing. Like all that fight was pointless..
I didn’t eat for 4 days.. my heart cried out for you like a breath of fresh air.. That I couldn’t get. . I couldn’t breathe anymore.. you were gone.. and the worst part was... I don’t think you ever planned to stay. The idea of me looked better than what I actually was to you. Though if you only held tight for me. If you only held on to me like you used to do at night... you could see how I might grow. How I might become beautiful again... you just gave up.. when I know I would have been everything you ever wanted with time.

So now.. two months have passed... and I think about you at least every day. The songs that play, your car haunts me and I can’t even do my job in the ER without having a massive panic attack that I’m going to run into you. I prayed so hard for you John.. I prayed you’d come back when the time was right. Like if I can make my life right.. maybe you’ll come back.

Though now... things are different. I don’t want you to come back. I don’t want to talk about why you walked away from me, because i realized that YOU made that mistake. I look at myself and I see how strong I am. How much I’ve overcome.. an abusive dad, an uncaring mom.. having to grow up at 5 years old watching my younger brothers and sisters. I’ve fought so hard to make it.. and it’s never been easy, and I’ve never made the right decisions.. but I have the right motivation. I promise you one way or another.. I’m going to become the woman I dream of becoming. She’s in there.. and she’s determined to be something. I am a prize.. I am something great.. and unfortunately you won’t see that until it’s too late. You will be 30... and you’ll be sitting at home.. or in a marriage you hate.. and you’ll finally figure out that you could have had the world in a woman. A woman that loved you deeply for everything you were.. the good and the bad. I believe that’s on you now... and I can’t keep hoping you’ll come back. I can’t keep laying in bed missing your touch, or the way we made love. I can’t.. and I won’t. I have to move on and focus on me and my children. I can’t be broken anymore because my children need their mom. They need me to not be broken.. and to give them the life I wish I had been given. I’m going to do that now..: and I’m going to walk away from that door you closed in my face. I’m gonna let that ticket fly through my fingers.. because loving you is killing me. I need to set myself free again.. and hope to God the next man will see my worth and my beauty and know and believe that he has won. I deserve better... and I’m letting you go now.

Carlos.

I hate you..
I finally fucking hate you.

Do you want to know why?

Because you took my heart and you broke it. You made me bleed in so many different forms. I trusted you and I loved you and you threw it all away in an instant and broke me more than anyone ever has.

I still miss you.. I still remember you. I still want you.

I look for people who remind me of you. I want you back.. I want to be able to breathe again... to fucking feel again. But you took it all away.

When I finally get a chance to have someone good... who’s pure and wants me... I can’t let him have me because letting someone else into a heart that you destroyed is pure suicide. How can I feel again? How do I love again? You broke everything about me and now I am numb. I’m numb because of you.

You are off living it up with the love of YOUR life and you have no worries and you are happy and excited and joyful... you are in love and you know that she won’t leave you. You know that all is well in your heart.

I hate you for that. I will always hate you for that. 

I just want to know. Anonymously.. do you ever get over that one who broke your heart? The thing is.. I know you do. I know I will. With enough time, you eventually forget the quirks, right?
      This isn’t my first love.. so I should know. So when does life become normal again? When do you forget the things that made your heart race? When do you stop missing the person you thought you were destined for??

  Eventually??

The thing with eventually is ..it’s not now. It’s not a year or five years... it’s whenever your heart and your brain stop finding these little things in everyday life that make you remember them. When the song you made love to eventually becomes a song from the past. When you stop remembering the way his lips looked that moment he was going to kiss you, just right before he went in for the thrill.. like the rising of a roller coaster and then the fall. It’s the car he used to drive.. the way you look into every damn window to make sure it’s not him, but oh how you wish it could just be him. How you see people walking around that look just like him, your heart starts to beat so loud and your whole world just freezes around you. Your heart beat goes into overdrive until you realize how crazy you are for actually thinking is was him. How crazy it is that from the day my heart was broken.. I have been non stop trying like hell to forget him. Erase that first kiss and travel back in time to where I was just a girl, not in love. Just a girl who didn’t feel these things. A girl who was used to the way life was and all of its given hand me downs. I never deserved to love like that.. I stepped in someone else’s timeline and broke destiny. I stole a destiny that was never mine to take. Now I am paying for it by the flashbacks of his hands touching my face and the way he looked at me. The raw feeling of the way I felt. I can’t get past it.. I am only tortured by it. I am stuck in my life.. just going through the motions. Getting kicked and trampled by these feelings that I have to hide. So when does it stop? When do I officially begin to breathe again? When does my heart stop hurting? Because it’s already been two years, and I can’t get over him. I know I don’t deserve that kind of relationship... but it would be nice to stop hurting this much. To just go ONE day without thinking about him. That would be nice. That would help. You just can’t help who you fall in love with......

I remember this one image in my head. I was sitting on his bed in nothing but a Jersey. His favorite jersey... my long blonde hair gleamed down my back as I laid on my side waiting for him to come into the room. I maybe wasn’t thinking a whole lot, just glancing around his room.

He walked into the room a moment later and just stared at me. I moved my focus onto his and smiled embarrassed by his look. I finally asked him what he was smiling about... and he said

“You are so beautiful Amanda” ...

At that moment... I actually felt beautiful. I felt wonderful. Light and full of happiness. It was so great to feel so happy. After going through such a hard compressing situation... I felt like I was floating in a dream. So of course when it ended... it was absolutely heartbreaking for me.
I have moved past that.. I finally have come to realize that he wasn’t right for me. He was actually all wrong for me. Maybe that was God telling me that... maybe God has something better in store.. but as I drifted back to the father of my children... I don’t know if that’s true.

I don’t feel beautiful anymore... I feel hurt almost constantly. I feel like a burden, like I’m never enough. Like everything I do is wrong. We constantly fight and argue. I can never be enough. I know it’s wrong... it’s all so wrong. Though God has me stuck in this situation...

Maybe if I pray for it... maybe he will help? That thought just came to me... so maybe he’s trying to talk to me... maybe you are listening to me God? And your right... help me pray. Help me take time to pray... I need out of this situation Lord. I need things to get better.. for me and for my kids. Please help me find a good living situation, where I am happy. Guide me into a good support system. People who can help me... help me in this situation. Please Lord, you know the desires of my heart. Guide me to them so I can be happy. Amen. 

Here we are again.

You come out fighting in a battle that isn’t even against you.

Your harsh words and criticism is your biggest weapon. You think it’s just words but my heart tells me otherwise. You say the words that cut the deepest and act like you did no such crime. You make me regret everything. You make me want to run and race against time.

I left you before and I could do it again... your hurt is so great and I never can win. Why is it always a battle to see who can cut the deepest? Why do you complain about it all? You tell me I’m nothing and that I always fall. I can never get back up without help and you’re always the one, yelling so loud in front of our daughter and our son. How can I protect my investments, how do I make this right? Why is it always a war, why do we always have to fight?

It’s always me who tries to wash away the blood, fixing my wounds with bandages and I’m sorrys.
Trying to fix the life we have created. Why should anything change? I couldn’t do it anyways.
I can’t breathe when you are like this.. and you act like it never even happened. Why am I always to blame? Why do you hate me so much? Why do you constantly give me shame?

Is it too late to start over? Where do I go from here? You aren’t willing to fix your words because you feel like you shouldn’t have too. You’re so tired of seeing me cry, I hide it in shame now. You are so perfect but you throw that away with the choice of a word, I wish we could be better, but I don’t know how.

You break me heart but you don’t really care, is this love? Or is it comfort? Is it security? Is it forever or should we cut it short? I can’t even talk to you without you rolling tour eyes, calling me weak and bad with goodbyes. Do I leave or should I stay?

Lord I need you.

When my heart is overwhelmed, lead me to the rock that is higher than I.

Well Lord, my heart is overwhelmed.
It is barely beating... but it is only beating for you.
You are my eternity, you are my soul.
I can’t live in this being all alone.
I feel like a wave is crashing over me and I can’t breathe.
I can only make mistakes... I can only sin.
I am a horrible person... I can’t do anything right. Every decision sinks me deeper into despair.
I need you.
I need you but I don’t feel you anywhere. I go through the motions of everyday but i feel nothing.
I pray but my words disappear into thin air. I Sing to bring myself closer to you.
God I need your healing. I need you to have mercy on me. I need you to fix me. It’s like I only fall back into the hole with every try I take. Every path is obstructed. There is no light in my tunnel. I’m running out of air, and my soul feels the weight of suffocation.
I need you God.
Show yourself to me. Prove to me that you are here.
Show me your love.
I am an undeserving sinner, but YOU died for me.
You said seek and you will find me.
I am begging you to show me your peace and your light.
Destroy my uncertainty and replace it with faith.
You made me for a reason...
you made me....
Lord I need you. 

The war is starting and I'm hardly prepared, fatal shots hit me and I'm so fucking scared. Harsh words are thrown like knives and I'm your target. I'm bleeding out but you don't stop it. Your fluttery moves and your jagged lies cut the deepest, your blame is your biggest defense. I breathe in your betrayal and drag myself to a safe place, but my hope is shattered, there is no saving grace. So I pray empty words to Jesus, hoping but having lost faith, where is my savior, I need him in this place.
You find me bruised and beaten, wipe off the blood stains, and act like you created no such sin. You lace me up with beautiful kisses and I'm sorries ...wiping away the burdens and the doubts. I forgive you and smile as if it never happened, maybe it won't, maybe our family will be whole.
I don't know when the next blow will happen, i gather up my ammo and store it inside, prepping my heart for the longest ride. Though you never start the story at the beginning, I am always lost and you are always winning.
My heart is broken beyond all doubt, my soul is lost and may never come out. Happiness is just a cruel intention, there is no longevity..its sitting in detention. When you feel so free yet your still shackled in chains, you look around to find your only in range, this place will not change, and your only to blame. There's no hope when its always the same..

Lost.

I know that no-one cares to hear this..and the more I want to tell everyone in my life to fuck off, the more I realize that that's probably not a good idea...so I guess here I am.
It does help I guess, because the hurt I feel the most comes from the ones I love the most. My mom and my brothers, my dad and my fiance. And my soul is screaming to leave them all behind and hop on the next flight out of this miserable life.
And I would...believe me.

But...and there is ALWAYS a but.

My kids.

Today is a day where I feel like they would be better off without me. I can't talk to anyone about this. Not a soul understands me. I try to talk to God...because he is the only one who truly knows...though I can only hang my head in sadness because I don't deserve his mercy.
I mean really really don't deserve it.

I have broken all ten commandments... I have slept with a married man, aborted a baby... I am a murderer and a cheater. I lie and steal from the weak. I can't trust myself..and I wouldn't want anyone to come in trying to be a hero.
I am a lost cause...  someone who should have been abducted as a child and tortured or been diagnosed wordiness fatal disease before anyone ever had the chance of coming into contact. I am a disgusting person. Quite frankly ... the worst part is...you wouldn't even know it if you saw me. I look like a young mom who is trying her best. A hard worker or someone who is a quite pretty little thing just making her way through.
I guess my kids are saving me right now.... it's not something I'm proud of. I should be the strong one for them...I should fight and be brave. I should have learned by now that hard work is the only way through life's mess. If you trying take the easy way out...you just make the hard road even longer for yourself. .... I'm not even halfway through.
There isn't a light waiting for me at the end of this... and quite frankly I wouldn't want Jesus to waste his time. I love him...because he gave me such beautiful gifts that smile at me everyday... but what good is having something so precious and valuable if you know in your heart you don't deserve it?

I fell in love with a nothing of a man...and broke the heart , trust and loyalty of the father of my children. I still to this day don't get how my heart still feels so broken.

Life just doesn't make sense... I am so lost in a sea of gray. And I'm starting to realize that nobody is even looking for me.....

I don't really want to write out my feelings,  but maybe it's good if I do?
I had a dream last night ,
My brother took me to his church after I told him a fellow guy who went to his church was pretty good looking.  Granted,  I know I am engaged with two kids,  but out of random curiosity.. I asked what his name was.  The next hour or so?  ...my brothers wife came and got me right as I got out of the shower,  she told me there wasn't time to get dressed,  and to just come with her.  Through some fogginess.... We entered their church and everyone was watching me. Some smiling .. Some just hanging around watching the girl in the towel run hand in hand through the halls.. Wondering aimlessly. We entered in a room where she turned and told me that the guy I asked about had been watching me for some time,  and wanted to marry me.  He was everything I wanted as he walked across this stage like thing,  through a crowd if people.  His smile and presence beamed at me like the most wonderful thing I had ever seen.  He came up to me and said,  Amanda...  It is true... I need you to marry me.  .(..or something along those lines... I dont exactly remember) .. I immediately thought of Andrew and the ring I already had on my finger.  We of course aren't married yet.. .But I felt sad for him.  I wanted this other man so much because I felt like this was the man,  God had wanted for me.  Though breaking Andrews heart wasn't something I could do . I was torn .. And I thought of my kids ... But I looked at this man,  and automatically said " of course I will marry you" his smile lit up the room. ..And I went deep into thought of how I'd ever explain it to our daughter or her daddy that I've dated for 10 years. 
I felt like my happiness was so present ...That I just had to marry this other man.  He had good parents that had brought him up as a good Christian man.  Though my thoughts were only of how undeserving I was to have him.  How could someone as beautiful as him.. .Ever want a used woman like me?  I was unworthy... I felt like a dirty rag. . And he was a clean white cloth... he deserved someone better.  Someone who wasn't so sinful.  My sister in law noticed my hesitation and took me into another room... Where there was an older man in a suit . He didn't say it,  but for some reason I felt like this was where I was to confess all of my sins.  I thought about all the bad I had done ..And I couldn't talk.  He stared at me and I told him I was already engaged to another man.  He seemed to understand as he wrote some things down in a book.. . I was then escorted to a bunch of women who prepared me for a proposal. 

I could go on... But the whole point of this dream.. Is that when I woke up,  I wanted to go right back to sleep.  I wanted to dream of this man. . This wonderful Christian handsome man.. .Who actually wanted me.  Wanted to cherish and love and protect me.  I felt so broken as I woke up . .And it has lasted all day.  I feel like I was just broken up with . All Andrew and I have done all day is fight and argue. ..And that makes me miss my dream that much more.  My point in all of this. .. Is what was God trying to tell me?  Does he want me to leave Andrew?  I don't know what to do.  I feel so sad and lost...  It's hard to live and be present in today.  Especially when my kids need me.  Even if this was true. . Who would want a woman who is no longer pure.. Who has two kids and a history of sin.  I don't feel like I am good enough....and I don't know if Andrew is the right man for me. 

I'm fine.

I'm fine until I wake up and life ingulfs me and I realize what my life has become.

No..its not horrible... Im sure people suffer way worse than me. In this moment of clarity, I completely believe that I am 5he absolute only female who just can't seem to grow the eff up and stop crying like a baby.

But every morning..there it is..pain that swarms my every thought. Its like being stuck in a hole..climbing to the top and falling down just when your fingertips grasp the light.
Your surrounded by pain and darkness and anxiety...you don't know when you will ever feel "okay" again.

Okay...I'm stupid, I'm a whore, I'm whatever you want to call me...but through this time...this is what has been bothering me.

I lived in key west. We couldn't afford the house we were renting, and eventually had to figure something else out. So with out being completely homeless, we decided to buy a nice tent and set up shop at a local camp ground. Don't get me wrong... It wasn't the worst thing. We had a ocean view just a block away. There was a pool and spa...a restaurant that was cheap enough. There was a playground and a bar. It didn't suck until month 3-4.. Time was going but our business wasn't getting anywhere. My boyfriend...and my daughters father ...let's just call him "D" for now...was working day and night just to make sure we had food and of course to pay for our spot..which wasn't cheap at 60-80 dollars a night depending on the season. Our daughter went to school and I had a job...so its not like we were there all the time anyway. We had a constant flow if neighbors and it just became the normal. I ended up getting pregnant that January...and I was happy as could be. It was all I wanted. I told everybody and started planning and we had plans to move to Tampa or fort Lauderdale so we could afford a lifestyle more. It was hott and uncomfortable...we had one car that kept breaking down...and only a few people in the area that we could call friends. It was hard to survive...but we kept at it with the hope of getting good money and moving up north. It was the end of January when I started to bleed heavy and went to the hospital just to confirm my worst fears. We weren't having another baby...and what was worse was that I had to miscarry in a campground, with hundreds of people using one shared bathroom. I cried for days...and the heat made it millions times worse. I didn't eat or shower...I laid in bed hoping to just die from all the physical and emotional pain.
I eventually got past that part... But D and i 's relationship suffered immensely. We were constantly fighting... I developed harsh feelings for him. I didn't feel love from him and he wasn't getting it from me. We fought in front of our six year old daughter almost daily.
One day he told me he had a friend coming down to help him with a few bigger jobs he started to get. I was mad that he was having a friend come and see where we lived as well as hearing his father who was out of his mind do to his alcoholism and a few strokes...would be there as well.
The day he came ...and we will just call D's friend as "C" ...I was working. He came buy at 7pm and picked me up in C's car. We drove to our tent site and that was the first time I saw him. He was tall...bronze skin and dark curly hair. Nothing I ever thought I would be attracted too...but he looked at me and just looking into his eyes...I felt an instant connection with him. I quickly looked away so he wouldn't see my pale skin turn a horrible shade of red.
I tried to ignore it...in my defense. I knew that any thoughts towards D's friend were completely inexcusable and I couldn't go there. We all worked so it made things easier...but when we came home after dinner.. I couldn't avoid it. I started doing my hair to perfection...always putting makeup on. I played with the idea of him feeling the same way...so that whenever I looked at him I would just smile and look elsewhere. I of course used my charm and whit to get him to notice my flirtatious attitude. Hiding it from D as best as I could. I did his laundry one day and folded it and D asked me why about a million times..but I could never tell him the real reason. The night before valentines day... D went to take a shower and I came out of the tent after putting down my daughter...I made a lot of noise to see if he would come out of his own tent.. And I eventually heard the sound I'd been longing to hear. He slowly unzipped the zipper and came out to the table to talk to me. He told me how he was in a relationship with a girl he didn't want to be with anymore. They lived together and he couldnt stand her. He said they were gonna break up when he got back home...my insides completely melted. I then told him about my and D's troubles and that I was going to move back home "where C lived" and just be single for awhile. That's basically where it started between us. On valentines day, he let me use his car to drive to work with D's permission...and I couldn't help but to smell the seatbelt over and over because it smelled so much like his cologne. I bought some stuff for D and then bought some cresent pastries for C because he had said how much he liked them. I put hearts all over it and told him I felt bad that his girlfriend couldn't be here for him at this time. That afternoon I finally mustered up the courage to go up to him and ask for his phone number. I played it off like I just wanted it "just in case" and I gave him mine...but we all know where my motivations were ;). That next morning I was on cloud nine driving to work because he had sent me the first text. At work..I pretty much fessed up about how attractive he was to me and that I couldn't help that I felt this way...and he told me he felt exactly the same way. My heart was soaring. I had never been so attracted to someone like him and the fact that the feelings were mutual was just the cherry on the top. He told me that he had sprayed his seatbelt with his cologne on purpose..and the whole time he knew what I was doing because he was flirting too. We talked all day and all night on the phone.. Soon enough we decided to get a Voxer account for our texting so that D wouldn't find out.
The next morning , D left to take our daughter to school and he asked if I would come out so that he could kiss me. I straightened up every ounce of strength I had a went out there to his bright and beautiful smile. He walked up to me and put his hands on my waist, and me his shoulders and I completely melted into his kiss. It was heart racing and probably the best kiss I'd ever had. It felt like days had passed when we finally broke free from each other as I heard D's truck driving back to our site. We quickly dispersed back into our tents..with my hands shaking and my knees feeling weak. His next text said " you have the softest lips ever..I could kiss you forever" each word singing praises into my ears. I was flying and nothing could bring me down...not even D's shitty attitude.
It was such a crazy experience though. I had D...who I'd dated for 9 years... He was my best friend for so long and I know I would always love him as my child's dad...but the more time went on with C, I just couldn't imagine being with D anymore.
We went to the beach one day, where I decided to drink more than I should have and got totally trashed. On the way home I had to stop to throw up and it was the worst most embarrassing thing to happen. I laid my head against the window behind C's seat and he reached back to put his hand on my left leg. His touch meant everything to me especially after what just happened. D also had his hand on my right knee...and having two guys rubbing my leg without even knowing it...trying to sober up was probably the craziest thing I've ever been through.
Things with C got more serious everyday we were together... I secretly always did his laundry. Slipped him notes and dedicated him songs. Him being there made me so happy.
One night we decided we just had to be together. We waited until D fell asleep.. And went into the back of his car. It was so terrifying knowing that D could come out of the tent at any time...but it made our adrenaline rush that much stronger. We kissed and held each other... And finally decided to call it quits and head to bed. The next day at work he told me he loved me. It shocked me in many ways. I knew that I didn't love him like I loved D. That was unconditional... But my feelings for him were electric... I dreamed about walking down the isle to those exact eyes. He told me I was his soul mate and that we would have to elope and run away together.
His last day in the keys was heart breaking... D went to work and C left right before. I thought I would die inside because he left before D without being able to say goodbye to me. After D left I went in the tent and cried all before a got a text. " I'm just down the street..is he gone?" He wasn't leaving yet and I was ecstatic. We kissed so much and I cried to him... I wanted to be his more than words...but he had to leave...and I had to let him go.
We text back and forth nonstop...and hiding it from D was no easy ordeal. He would constantly check my phone because all along I know he felt our connection. There was no denying it. I loved C and I couldn't help it. I didn't do it to hurt D...I just was happy for the first time in so long. Every morning I'd wake up with a good morning beautiful and every day we would video chat and talk. I started walking into work smiling at my phone and it caused some unwanted attention from another guy I worked with. He then started texting me constantly...asking me to hook up with him. MY head started to swoon as I had three guys wanting MY attention. I was flattered...but my heart belonged to C...and there was no denying it.
D and I started to fight nonstop...and I had finally made the decision (with the help of C) to come back home with my daughter. The last day, the guy from work begged me to just hang out with him one time and I decided to live it up and see what could happen. We drove into the mangroves and just had a good time. My heart wasn't in it with him though and I wished him off with a goodbye and packed up the rest of my stuff. I couldn't wait to see C...it had been three months and I could tell you that I was possibly in love with him.
We couldn't let my daughter know so he couldn't pick us up from the airport...but as soon as my plane touched down...all thoughts were on him. My mom drove us to her house and promised to watch my daughter. I put on my nicest outfit and my best perfume. I did my hair and makeup to perfection and as soon as his gf went to sleep, he snuck out of his house and I met him in a parking lot. My legs felt like jello as he got out and hugged me with a big bouquet of flowers. We went to a friend of his house and parked on the side street. We talked about him and his gf breaking up and me and D breaking up..but we really just couldn't keep our hands off each other.
After that...I started going to his house every night...the second night we finally had sex and it was like...purely amazing.
He was the best I'd ever had, but maybe it was because I was just completely attracted to him. The next night we met at Kroger's and holding his hand was like literally the most amazing feeling in the world. I was in love and blind to what was coming next.... Nothing anyone could have told me would have saved me from where I am today...because C had me wrapped around his pretty bronze finger.
I did everything for him... I Brought him food and cigarettes... Gave him back massages every night and sex whenever he wanted. He and i would video message eachother when he was at work and get naked and i would send him pic after pic to get him off. I was his personal sex slave and did whatever he asked me to do. Soon his gf found out about me and moved out...D was still working in key west when he eventually found the secret app and read everything between us. I told him it was over and that I was in love with C. D started to call and message C...and it scared C horribly. He was on edge and it hindered us quite a bit...but I was oblivious to any doubt's C was having because I felt like things between us had just started. His girlfriend finally moved out and I was able to come stay with him every night. I eventually got a new job making good money and a new car. Life was so good...I was going to the gym regularly and losing weight. I wanted to become everything C wanted.....that was until C told me about a job he had done at a woman's house. She was 40 something... With five kids and he told me how he felt so bad for her because she had to do it all alone. It was odd to me to hear this...but I felt like he had a good heart and that was it. Every night was the same....I'd get to his house...go to his room...put on one of his million dolphins jersey with nothing on underneath and he would come and put on our playlist and it would be an amazing night.
One night he told me he wasn't home yet at 10pm because he was babysitting one of that lady's kids. It was her little 2 year old girl he said he was absolutely crazy about. He even video messaged me while he was there and I literally thought nothing of it. Until the next morning he told me he stayed up talking with (let's call her S) until 3 in the morning. He said he looked up to her and thought so much of her...and it was then I felt just a pang of jealousy. At that time...D was calling me everyday just crying and crying...he was heartbroken...but I didn't know what to say. I finally told C about it and he said he was worried about that. That night at C's house...we talked a lot about S. He told me that it wasn't like that because he didn't think she would ever fall for someone like him....but if she did...he would be extremely happy. I was lost...I thought he wanted me...but now he was telling me this? Things werent that bad...I didn't know how he could say this to me. He told me it would never happen though with her and we just continued to fuck and go on with life.
The next week, S wasn't mentioned even once...and I felt like things were getting back on track. C was sick...and I took care of him. Bringing him soup and bread from panera...rubbing his back and servicing him in every way. He finally started to feel better until I found out D was coming down here to see our daughter. I didn't think much of it... The last day I saw C.. I teased him a little so that he would want me after D left...but I didn't give it up. He tried dragging me up the stairs to his room...but I declined.. Hoping he would want me even more later. D finally left the next day...and I was anxious to be with C. I couldn't wait...and he told me to come over that night after work. I got ready and looked my best for him when he tried to Skype me. It took four or five time for him to say it due to our bad connection...but he said that him and S had been talking since that one night he told me about her...and that S wanted him and he wanted her...and that we could just be friends.

I couldn't believe the words he was saying....I was speechless. I cried and begged him to not do this...that things had just started for us and were going to get better...but his mind was made up...and I had to move on. I completely stopped eating and caring about anything. I was the skinniest I'd been since highschool and my heart hurt everyday.
That was June 1st...and it is now August 11th.

C and I have talked only twice and I have made every intention on telling him I am now happy and moved on when it is the complete opposite. I wake up with heartache everyday...I ended up gaining the weight back and stopped going to the gym. D came back for good and started living with my mom and us too. At first I told him I didn't want him...but eventually having him there eased a little of the hurt I was feeling. D felt like it was his fault for what I did because he treated me like shit...but in a way...I don't think that is true.

I hate myself for everything and wish I had never met C. I cry daily and the hurt never goes away. I just found out I am now pregnant with our second child due to a faulty condom..me and D...and I'm not entirely sure how I feel about it. My depression has taken over my whole being and I don't know if I will ever be happy again.

I pray that C will end things with S everyday....but in the end I know that even if he did...I couldn't let him back into my life anyway. I was at my best being with him and now I feel like I'm at my worst.
I just want to feel like how I felt with him...but I just keep varying myself deeper inside this hole. Deeper into my depression.

Only God could save me...if he cared enough to do so. 

Fudging brownies.

Do my hair, fix my eyes, put on something that makes me feel good.
But your not here.

Get up, get charged, gym and tan my skin...
But your not here.

I feel great, the power runs through my veins, I cook for two and dream of you..
But your still not here.

So I watch the clock and count the minutes for you to return to me... I pace back and forth throughout each day...surely this has got to be a mistake... You didn't break my heart....I'm waiting for you
But your still not here.

I give in and text you first, your instant reply gives me so much hope, but your failure to respond to my last question shows me there's no hope in this mess... I wait and wait

But your still not here.

The days go on, sometimes I'm great...sometimes I'm strong. The days that I wake up and the hurt is so deep...it takes my breath away. I drag myself through each minute... Night falls and I lie awake. I dream of your body, your eyes....your smile. There's hope in my dreams...your still in them. But when I wake...

Your not here

I go to work and it's a welcome distraction... Anything to get my mind off of your words. It doesn't hurt as much anymore...but I'm desperate for the life that you gave me. I want the fun and new...I still want you...
But your not here.

It happened so fast... And sometimes that's what hurts the most.
How can you be in love with someone and the next day your not?
Is that really what separates men from woman? Their power to love and their power to move on?
I want so bad to be with you, to be apart of your life...but time isn't with me...and it's moving so fast. I still feel like it was yesterday when you told me to move on...but you see...I can't because

Your not here.

I know you were right.. I know who is right for me....but the truth still hurts. My heart still wants you...

But you're not here. 

Why am I crying?

Standing in the middle of a field, letting the wind sway my soul. My heart beating to the sound of the wind. Every breath in is a painful reminder of all that I lack. All the things I'm not. All the people that don't want me back. My heart longs for happiness and warmth, but I only fall for the things that don't last.
I watch the trees sway, my heart beat picking up speed. The faint whistling through the tall brown grass. My soul very much entertwined in the weeds. Some parts destroyed, and yet some parts blossoming.
I take a moment to wonder if I am growing or if I am stagnant. Am I learning through this pain or am I letting the pain overtake my being? Am I really letting the weeds over take the very center of my being?
Why can't I break free from the pain of the thorns crashing through my life, the very things I once held dear is torn apart and astray.

I wish for more sunlight, for more wind to break through my petals. I wish for happiness...to let go of the misery and once blossom again. When will I ever grow and learn? When will I ever feel the sun again?

Pain so deep that I can hardly move.

I often wonder why we feel so much hurt. Why do we suffer so much and receive so little. The joy in the world comes in forms of jobs and money and homes and all things that really aren't a big deal.

Of course you have marriage, and holidays and engagements and pregnancies to help fill in the gap...but what all ends up happening as you grow, is you feel less and less like a human...and more like a video camera. Watching things as they take place, counting smiles and laughs and breath taking moments. You putty on through until the next thing. Your monogamous life goes by, and you feel less like you. You start to do things differently because your tired of everything being the same. You feel tired and groggy. All the coffee in the world couldn't push past the clouds. You use alcohol as a bandage to make your heart feel less and less...drugs and money cover up what's left. You settle for men who don't really love you, because you don't even know who you are. You struggle with marrige and money, the things that made you happiest become less and less fulfillment in your life. Through all this.. You breathe and breathe, telling yourself that things will get better. Life will get better and you'll be able to sort it out. You have more alcohol, you'll have more pills and more weed. You can continue to numb yourself...and that makes you feel better...but for how long?

Those things may bandage what's broken...but they will never fix you. They will never make you feel better about yourself. Even if you go along with it, because its all that you've ever known...your still lost and hurt and confused because you don't believe in the only thing that's still believing in you.

Jesus has a voice, and its a faint knock on the doors of your heart. You just have to let him in. 

I hate you...

I hate you so much.

For the lost dreams and promises you made.
For the cruel words and hurtful judgments.

For all the things you couldn't do for me.

I hate you for loving me and breaking my heart.

For not being the man you should have been.

I hate you for making me regret our life together.

Making me hurt every day and every night.

I hate you for your kind days and your witty phrases.

Because you cover them up after every sunny day.

I hate you for not choosing God over your life.

I hate you for not holding my hand through every bit of torture we've endured...but instead you cowered like a little boy.

My heart is racing and now I feel nothing when I look at you.

My heart has broken so many times, only time will heal it.

I hate you for that.

Now I don't know what to do. How to take a broken life and make it new again? How do I live on without you?

You were my world....and I was told it would all be okay. Though now you can't even look me in the eyes.

You should have been strong.

You should have thought about your words and your harsh remarks because they flitter inside my mind everyday.

Torchering me.

Robbing me of who I am.

I hate you for letting me choose you.



You weren't ready for my soul.

Her white lace dress was smudged with dirt and ash from the cold cement floor, but she didn't care. He couldn't find her and even if she had to hold her breath to keep him away, she would do what she could to save her life. Her knees hurt from bending down for so long, it seemed as though hours had passed even if it had only been five minutes.  She swiped her bangs behind her ears and listened. Soon enough she heard the sound she was worried about the most. The sound of his boots hit the cold hard cement as if they were thundercracks in a meadow. She held her breath and prayed in her head. When she closed her eyes, his face clouded every part of her mind. His laugh was the most wonderful thing about him. He had a smile that shown so bright, especially when she did something silly. She loved watching the way his eyes humorously watched her every move. Like she was the most fragile thing in his world. Her heart flipped a million different ways when he'd asked her to dance that night. His tan skin to her white, holding her hand so tight, he would never let go.

"I know your fucking in here you dirty cunt!"

Her eyes flew open and she gasped. As soon as she realized her mistake she held her breath some more.

" You think I don't know your in here Elle!? After 10 years of fucking, and being there for your cheatin ass, you think youve gotten any fuckin smarter?? Like thinkin you can just walk the fuck away from me after I provided for you and gave you fuckin everything?! Your a selfish bitch just like your whore of a mother!"

Tears cascaded there way down Ella's face, but she held firm and still...she wasn't going to let this monster have the benefit of her broken heart. She had done that way to many times, and each time he broke her down a little more.
    She heard him move a couple of boxes and throw the table she was next to upside down. Moving her knees she inched herself back a little farther beneath the stairs.
She had lost so much weight that fitting into small spaces wasn't as hard as it could have been. She was proud of her slim figure, finally letting go of all the hurt and torture, being with Dominic had put her through.


"Fuck you! I'll fucking find your ass bitch..I swear to God I will! I put my whole life into you, and I swear to fuck I will not let you go! I'll find you bitch..and next time you won't be lucky enough to get away!"

The room got quite as his steps disappeared into another part of the building.
Elle took a much needed breath and moved off her knees. She lay her head back against the wall and sobbed quietly.

His face came back into view. His smile, oh God how she loved his smile. It lit up her heart in so many ways. Just looking at him, she knew in no way did she deserve someone so kind. Though still, he kept on asking her to come with him. Each time letting her feel what normal should feel like.
     He didn't know her though, her past and her mistakes. How she had let someone in that never should have been invited in. How he destroyed the very beauty of who she was.
Her focus rested directly on his hand in hers. How strong they were. He moved his thumb and brought her face up to his.           " Look at me Ella"
She couldn't though...
" Ella... Ella..look at me"

Her best friend Grace looked at her with concern.
" Grace...wh..what...how did you find me?"

"Um...find my cell phone..remember?"
 A slight grin formed on her friends face

"He found me G...he fucking found me!"

Grace grabbed Elle's elbow and pulled her out of the tight spot that she had wedged herself into.

"Dom found you!? What the fuck!?How??"

Elle looked at the floor and tried to steady her quivering emotions.
" I let Jace take me with him outside...I never thought in a million years that he would have found me here! He fucking punched him in the face and knocked him out. I started screaming, so maybe someone would come outside but he pulled out a gun and told me to go down here. Luckily he tripped over my foot and somehow I managed to run in here"

Just speaking of the last 30 minutes made her heart break even more. She had put Jay in danger by just being with him. The very thought of him hurting Jay broke her down and the tears wouldn't stop falling.
Grace went to console her friend, 5 years of friendship and she had never seen her friend look so lost. She wished with every fiber in her being that she could take this pain away. Dominic had controlled Ella for so long, longer than they had even known each other.
The first day Ella brought Dom over, she could sense the power he had over her and she hated it. She hated how every time he was near her, Ella changed into a different person. Someone who walked with a leash tied around her neck, terrified to look the wrong direction. From that day Grace had promised that she would be there for her friend, no matter the circumstance. So when Ella finally got away from Dom with her little girl Emma, she knew it was time to get them to safety.
Grace's family owned a decent sized home just inside the Georgia state line. It was a home peppered with Spanish moss Oak trees and beautiful red buds. A place where she knew Ella could come and feel safe with her child. Grace had already let her parents in on Elle's situation and they knew that whenever the moment came when Elle could get away, they would make her feel welcome in their guesthouse. It was only a matter of time when Ella came to her with mascara lidden cheeks and and told her that he was never going to let her hand Emma.
The next night the plan was set, Ella and Grace packed their bags when Dom went to work and took Emma out of school. They took 95 all through the night and made it to Graces home close to midnight. Elle's anxiety made her paranoid and grief stricken that she had taken Em away from her father, but grace was relieved they they both had gotten away safe. Now she didn't know if Elle would ever be free from Dominic's contiuing presence in their lives.

I am soooo lost.

But maybe in the midst of losing, I'm really finding my direction? I need to move...I need to leave Andrew. I got that down...but am I trying to destroy other people in the process? What have I become to do that to someone? How do I focus when love is the one thing I depend on so much. When will I stop thinking about myself and just focus on my daughter? I need help so badly....I can't believe the person I have become. I bet God is sad to see the person I am today. I bet he's asking me to come back to his side and figure out these things for myself. I need you lord...I need to stop pushing you away. 

Miles from home.

Another year has come, and your still not here.

I blink, and it's Christmas again. The time you loved the most, I now fear the most.
It brings back so many memories. Good memories, so I guess that's a good thing. Though I'm not sure, because it just makes me miss you so much more.

The hardest part for me, was the very fact that I was too young to fully understand how dear your silly little traditions would be so very dear to me. I wish I would have watched you more carefully... learned all of your secrets and cool tricks. You were so smart, why didn't I ask you more? Why didn't I record your voice, it's the very thing I would give anything to hear about now.

The worst part of me missing you, was how much I took you for granted. How many times could I have been there and visited you? Why didn't I listen to your advice more, or hug you just a little bit longer?

I choose myself over you so many times, and I guess that's why I cry so much. The worst part about that is I still do. Think about myself I mean...

Because you're up in heaven living just the way you intended..and all I can think about is how much pain I'm in, not having you here.

Things never get better though. I don't see you in a butterfly, or feel you in the wind like others say they do. I just have memories. All of these memories that flood through my mind daily...

I see other men that look like you, or smile like you. Once or twice ive even talked with a man who had your clever wit, and your smile.

Though your eyes spoke volumes to me. The ice blue eyes that's crinkled at the sides. You always smiled with your eyes grandpa, even when you were trying to be serious. You had the serious twinkle that all those story books talk about.

I look for you like your going to appear again to me... I always am waiting for you. I'm waiting for the man I respected as a grandpa but loved as a dad. You helped me through life the best you could even if all I did was stumble through.

I look at my daughter and just thank God that he let you see her at her birth. You looked at her like she was the most precious thing your eyes have ever seen.

And I'll never forget that.

I'll never forget you.